Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Had Columbus Been Married

If Columbus had been married, he might never have discovered America, because he would have had to answer all the following questions and listen to such dramatic statements:

Where are you going?

With whom?

Why?

How are you going?

To discover what?

Why only you?

What do I do when you are not here?

Can I come with you?

When will you be back?

Will you be home for dinner?

What will you bring for me?

You deliberately made this plan without me, didn't you?

You seem to be making a lot of these programs lately...

Answer me why?

I want to go to my mother's house.

I want you to drop me there.

I don't want to come back ever!

What do you mean, OK?

Why aren't you stopping me?

I don't understand what this whole 'discovery' thing is about.

You always do things like this.

Last time also you did the same thing!

Nowadays you always seem to do this kind of stuff.

I still don't understand what else is left to be discovered!

Now, a Forum for 'Tortured' Husbands

It wasn’t the voices of victimised women but those of men complaining of “wicked wives’’ that were heard the the most during this
domestic violence awareness month that ends today, October 31.

The month may have been earmarked to coax women to step out of their homes to file cases against cruel husbands, but in Hyderabad men were seen asking “aggrieved’’ husbands to report the ill-treatment meted out to them by their wives.

Having found a confidant in each other, these men, claiming to be victims of false dowry harassment cases and domestic abuse, toured the city roads distributing pamphlets about the absence of a law to protect them against such ill-treatment and the need for more ‘male-oriented’ policies. They held campaigns and seminars where they accused the society of being biased towards women and prejudiced against men, and went from one locality to the other asking other traumatised husbands to come forward and report such incidents.

The ‘tortured spouses’ also launched an All-India Men’s Welfare Association (AIMWA) to take their battle to a higher level and call for a separate ministry for safeguarding the interests of men like them. “India even has a separate ministry for animals. Why should the men be left out then?” said S Venugopal, convener of Save India Family Foundation (SIFF), Andhra Pradesh chapter, the body that facilitated the launch of AIMWA. Venugopal, who joined this group around six months ago says that the awareness about these social groups is increasingly growing among men in the state who, unlike in the past, are now willing to
come out and share their experiences with the world. “When I joined SIFF there were indeed a few others like me. But today the numbers have doubled,” he said.

Parthasarathy T R, one of the founders of AIMWA agrees with this as he goes on to point out how the three helplines, that are available for such male victims, have not stopped ringing ever since they held these rallies. “Each of these numbers receive close to 30-40 calls a day as against 10-15 previously, from distressed husbands,” he said. These organisations are also conducting an increased number of counselling sessions for such men now, who they say, tend to develop suicidal tendencies if not attended to. “The pain and agony that men go through, when subjected to domestic violence is much like what women face, when ill-treated. But everybody sympathises with the women, the men find no listeners,” said Mohammed Jaleel a member of AIMWA adding, “Whenever I tried to tell people how I was wrongly framed, they either thought I was mad or was trying to cover my misdeeds of harassing my wife by saying all that. Nobody believed anything that I said until I joined this forum.”

Curiously, much like in the case of women, the stories of harassment of these husbands are also related to their in-laws. While some complain of their in-laws forcing them to become ‘ghar jamais’, others allege that their influential in-laws have got them beaten up by the police without even filing a case. Home truths of another kind.

The Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks
from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway,
there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

Electronic Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask you a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." On hearing this the customs official roared into laughter and asked the priest to go.

The Obedient wife !!!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife.... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.


So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.

Husband vs. Wife

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!

Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever

************************************************************************

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

************************************************************************

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

************************************************************************

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

************************************************************************

Husband: Today is Sunday and I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

************************************************************************

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

************************************************************************

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

*********************************************************************

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

************************************************************************

Monday, December 14, 2009

Punctuality

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest was asked to say a few words in the meanwhile. Not being prepared to speak then, he wondered for a minute and then decided to share his experience on the first day in the parish to highlight how one should not rush to conclusions.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his neighbour. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'....

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

No free lunches? Says who?

It's not Utopia. But almost looks like it. Because at the Seva Cafe in Ahmedabad, no one charges you for the food you eat.

Unbelievable it may be, but the eatery just has a menu, there's no tariff. The model that Seva Cafe, situated in the heart of bustling Ahmedabad's swank C G Road, follows is unique: dine and enjoy the ambience, but pay only what you want. Managed by a group of volunteers, including a few NRIs, guests here can, at the most, leave a donation that pays for the meals of others to follow. There are free lunches, too, for those who don't want to do even this or simply can't afford it.

"The cafe runs on the age-old Indian belief of athithi devo bhava," says Sandeep Vaghela, 23, one of the volunteers associated with the eatery since its inception in 2005. Vaghela joined the initiative soon after completing his graduation. "A meal at this cafe costs you nothing. Food offered to you is a gift, already paid for by previous guests. After the meal, guests are handed an envelope that asks you to 'pay from your heart'. That's all."

Bhaskar Kulkarni, another young man who helps out mostly with kitchen work, says, "We call it a circle of giving. There are no bills. We leave this choice to the guests. We serve pure vegetarian food, prepared with utmost thought for cleanliness by our volunteers.''

The idea, of course, came from Annalakshmi, a vegetarian restaurant in Singapore that started in 1986 with the 'eat what you want and give as you feel' concept. Almost two decades after that, four 'social entrepreneurs' in Gujarat decided to start a similar experiment in Ahmedabad. Each one of them, though, wants to remain backstage, happy to give all credit to the bunch of sprightly volunteers who manage the daily operations.

Volunteers, on their part, are more than willing to be a part of Seva Cafe, and serve for free. "We hardly get any guest who does not pay up,'' says Vaghela. "Yes, sometimes people don't, but that's rare. The model is actually working very well. We keep our accounts transparent, putting the budgetary expenses and earnings on a display board in the cafe. Everything's clean.''

After the initial skepticism, the eatery has now begun attracting a loyal, burgeoning customer base. Lopa Shah, a homemaker from Ahmedabad, is a frequent visitor. "When I first came here, it was a whole new experience for me to understand the concept of Seva Cafe. But I liked it so much that my association with this place has only grown stronger," she says.

For volunteers, too, it has been a life-transforming change. Clad in jeans and a T-shirt, Raghav Agrawal, 18, mops the floor as part of his chore here. Agrawal, who studies in Mahatma Gandhi International School, is happy doing what he does. "At home, I used to just laze around. All that changed after I got involved with Seva Cafe. My perception of life and what it means to serve changed. These days I help out my mom at home. She was shocked initially, but now she's very appreciative."

Agrawal's enthusiasm and earnestness is shared by Sharmeen Attarwala, Dhruvita Patel and Meeti Shah, all in their teens, all from rich families that pamper them no end. "Volunteering at the cafe has made us more responsible in life," they say, almost in unison. "Once you come here, you always feel like coming back. I just love to volunteer, and so do the others. From washing dishes to cleaning the floor, cooking and serving, we do everything. And we feel it helps us become more humane, more understanding towards other people." In fact, Seva Cafe has built up such a reputation for itself that many like Prometheu Raj Tyagi, 15, and Yash Desai, 16, have flown all the way from Pune to become a part of it. Students of Mahindra United World College, the duo heard about the cafe from friends and decided to join as volunteers during their vacation. "It taught me that no work is lowly,'' says Tyagi, finely balancing empty plates on his hand. "And the interaction with a diverse set of people has been a truly enriching experience for us." Another thing Seva Cafe serves for free: wisdom and humility.

Great Magician

Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.

The first one said, "During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"

The second one said, "Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"

The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".

Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.

A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened? Who is that guy?"

One of the magicians whispered, "He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it"

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.

Recently, a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.

Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed like an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last, he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Bangalore Majestic Bus Stand closes by next week

But BMTC Terminal Will Continue Operations

If you’re travelling out of town by bus, the KSRTC bus stand, better known as Majestic, will no longer be your point of departure. Services from here will be stopped within a week as the Bangalore Metro Rail Corporation begins work on the underground station that will be ready, hopefully, in 2012. However, the adjacent BMTC bus stand will continue to operate from its current location.

Karnataka State Road Transport Corporation (KSRTC) is shifting operation of all its services to various satellite terminals and makeshift bus bays in the city. “We’ll come up with a detailed schedule of arrivals and departures of KSRTC services within a week,’’ transport minister R Ashoka told reporters here on Thursday.

As per the initial plan, transport officials said KSRTC will operate its out-station services (except Airavata) from satellite terminals, including Mysore Road, Shanthinagar, Hebbal, Peenya and NGEF.

Ashoka said the Metro requires around 20 acres of working area for construction of underground stations at two levels though they are using only 7 acres. The work is likely to begin from January next.

Free service
Minister Ashoka said BMTC will offer a free service for those who want to commute to Majestic from various satellite stations. “They can produce the KSRTC ticket and travel by BMTC buses to Majestic,’’ he said.

METRO @ MAJESTIC Services will be relocated gradually
work on the Metro project kicking off in Subashnagar area in January, the KSRTC bus stand will be shut and 20 acres made available for the project. But the project will finally require only 7 acres and the remaining 13 will be given back to KSRTC for development of a full-fledged bus station.

“We operate nearly 3,000 departures a day from Majestic and have to relocate them gradually since we cannot abruptly change the pattern. Quite a few schedules will continue to be operated in the vicinity of Majestic area,’’ the minister said.

This apart, Ashoka said the working area of Metro would dislocate some of the depots, which maintain over 1,500 buses.

Ashoka later said the transport department has outlined a Rs 1,300 crore plan to revamp the bus stand to enable it to hold about 12,000 vehicles. The plan involves construction of multistoreyed parking and a 45-floor office and commercial space.

GREEN AUTOS
As part of the effort to bring down pollution, the government will formally unveil green autos on November 26. Ashoka said it would be mandatory for autorickshaws to have eco-friendly engines that run on LPG and petrol. All new autos in the city should be green.

DECENTRALIZATION OF PERMITS
The government will soon decentralize powers to issue permits to motorists. The department has decided to give this authority to deputy commissioners, keeping in mind that he would have full knowledge of the particular district.

The KSRTC bus stand in Subhashnagar, Bangalore, will be shut for Metro Rail work. Buses will operate from Mysore Road, Shantinagar, Hebbal, Peenya and NGEF

Thursday, November 19, 2009

EGG attack on car

If you are driving at night and were attacked with eggs on your car's windshield , do not operate your wiper or spray any water. Eggs mixed with water become milky and block your vision up to 92.5 %.

You are forced to stop at road side and become victim of robbery.

This is new technique used by robbers.

Safe Driving.

Do What You Do Best; Delegate the Rest

There is a strong likelihood that the things you do best are those for which you would pay another person your hourly rate. Another way of stating this is, "delegate any tasks that can be performed by a person earning less than your hourly rate—or your desired hourly rate."

Delegate to a Person with Demonstrated Competence
Having determined what to delegate, the next step is to select the person to whom you will delegate the task. If you delegate an important task to a person who is incapable of performing adequately, you are setting that individual up for failure while inviting disappointment and frustration on your part. This is not to say the person has to be as capable as you. But he must have sufficient skills and experience to effectively perform the delegated task. Choose carefully. It is in the best interest of the person to whom you are delegating and of course, in your own best interest as well.

Define the Task Clearly
Be clear as to your intended outcome. What is the end result you want to achieve when the delegated task has been completed? Make every effort to describe this clearly to the person to whom you are delegating the task. Then ask her to repeat her understanding of the assigned task. If her description is not an accurate summary of what you want to accomplish, explain the differences in detail and ask her to again feed back to you her understanding of the assignment. If the two of you do not start out on the same page, there is little likelihood of success.


Set a Deadline
Set a clear deadline for completion of the delegated task. Do not be vague. An ambiguous target such as "sometime next week," or "as soon as you can get it done" will not serve either of you well. Without a clearly defined completion date, there will be no sense of urgency, and the job may very well drag on ad infinitum, frustrating you both.

Establish Benchmarks
It will be important for both of you to be able to gauge the progress being made as the delegated task is carried out. Specifically, how will you measure this progress? Reach agreement on the yardstick by which you will make such judgments.

Agree on Consequences
What will be the consequences of the person successfully completing the delegated task? Are these consequences known by the person charged with the responsibility of carrying them out? Are they important to him? Will they serve to motivate him? The consequences do not have to be enormous, but they should be meaningful to him. Otherwise they will have little effect. Their emotional import is what will have the greatest affect.

Put it in Writing
Before the delegated assignment is launched, there is one additional important step. Have the entire process described to this point documented in a written agreement. Then, have each of you sign it. Psychologically, this final step transforms your mutual understanding into a commitment.

Courtesy: Brian Tracy

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Living with your car: Avoiding bogus collisions and insurance fraud

Living with your car: Avoiding bogus collisions and insurance fraud

A new Police unit is being set up specifically to target criminal gangs that instigate deliberate car crashes to cash in on fraudulent insurance claims. Innocent motorists are targeted by the gangs, with a low-speed collision initiated so that thousands of pounds can be claimed.

It's estimated that staged accidents are costing £350m per year, because it's not only organised gangs doing it - single drivers looking to make a quick profit from a claim are at it too. It adds around £40 to an average premium, so police officers are being trained by the Metropolitan force to attend the scene of any suspect accidents to eradicate the problem. But it won't stop overnight.

Of course, with unscrupulous drivers around, nobody can be certain of staying out of harm's way - but the more you know, the safer you are. Read on to find out about the scams and how best to protect yourself.

Accident types:

There are two types of staged accidents: those involving an innocent victim (sometimes known as an 'induced accident'), and those where the two drivers are in cahoots. Obviously you needn't worry about the latter too much, but the former accounts for the majority of bogus insurance claims.

How does it work?

Induced accidents were brought into focus recently when 24-year-old Mohammed Patel was convicted of a £12m 'crash for cash' scam involving hundreds of innocent motorists at the same roundabout in Cheadle, Manchester. His technique was common: he'd target elderly drivers, usually, because they're generally more vulnerable, position his car in front of them then slam the brakes on so they'd shunt his car. It worked because he'd disconnected his brake lights so the driver didn't notice until it was too late. Technically, the accident is the victim's fault because the driver of the rear car is usually responsible in a rear end collision.

How can it be avoided?

Usually the fraudster will drive slowly to avoid whiplash, but all you can really do is be sure to leave a big gap between you and the car in front. Watch out for cars that slow down noticeably without the brake lights coming on too.

'Witnesses' from the gang will usually be on hand to verify what happened, so have your wits about you for those that seem over-familiar with the other driver, or seem keen to side with them. As with any accident, though, you should make sure you exchange details with the other driver, and have them write down their version of events. You should do the same too, including every detail about the car, the driver, the witnesses and the circumstances.

Most importantly, tell your insurance company if you think you've been a victim of a scam.

Telltale signs:

As is often the case, certain locales are worse than others. Busy roundabouts are usually the place where staged accidents occur because traffic queues are slow moving and unpredictable.

If the car you've shunted seems to have followed you or you've seen it a few times already - on the roundabout, say - then you might have been a victim.

After the event, has the claimant made excessive injury or damage claims? That's why it's important to note every single detail at the time. Often, extra passengers will be claimed for that weren't there, so be aware of that too.

Some facts:

Gang members who stage accidents often do so multiple times at familiar spots, so if you've seen one or more rear end shunts in a particular place, be aware that it could be a fraud 'hotspot'.

Research shows that men are more than twice as likely to stage an accident, and those in their twenties are the most frequent offenders - with three percent admitting they've made a fraudulent claim.

London is the worst area for staged accidents, with six percent admitting they've either claimed fraudulently or considered doing so. That's three times the number in Wales.

Catholics & their children

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, her figure is 38D - 24 - 34. When she walks into a room, people say,

"Oh My God !"

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Good Old Days

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...

"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.

Ya can't do that now..... Too many bloody security cameras."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Old Man's Pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast...

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Japanese rape games invade Indian computers

If you are worried about the effect of violent computer games on your child, here's a shocker: sex games with graphic visuals, including those which test the player's 'raping skills', are making their way here, mostly from Japan.

Rapelay, a 3D game created by a Japanese firm, Illusion, with a storyline' prodding the player to rape a woman and her two teenaged daughters in a moving train, a park and a restroom, is among the hot picks' in the grey market. A source involved in direct marketing of foreign goods with suppliers in Chennai's Parrys and Burma Bazaar markets told TOI that he sold 20 copies of Rapelay last week to customers who had placed orders in advance and that 50 more copies are expected in a fortnight. The game is available in grey markets in other metros too including Palika Bazaar in Delhi, he added.

These are mostly pirated copies made from an original smuggled in from Japan or ordered through online shopping websites earlier. Several websites like Amazon.com had removed Rapelay from its virtual shelves after protests in July.

Gamers say several such hentai (Japanese porn) games are also available on the net and can be downloaded on to mobile phones as well. "Young people addicted to these games may start seeing violence as an integral part of sex. While films make children emulate characters, such games where the player is the character can make them act it out," warns sexologist D Narayana Reddy.

The authorities appear to be either oblivious to the danger or just helpless. The central crime branch police said it has not come across such games during its raids. The Computer Emergency Reaction Team (Cert-In) of the IT ministry, which has the mandate to ensure cyber safety, says its focus is elsewhere. "Our primary job is to prevent cyber crimes that threaten the national security. When such offensive websites are hosted in other countries, there is little we can do," says Cert-In senior director BJ Srinath.

This puts the onus on families to install parental control software to block access to such sites from computers and playstations, say counsellors.

It all started with a pop-up. Gautham Rao, a Class XI student in Hyderabad was surfing the net last October when the window showed a beautiful woman and prompted him to 'dress her up' using a variety of attires displayed on the screen. Rao spent hours dressing her, and later, undressing her. A list of similar sites took him down a dark virtual tunnel lined with bizarre games, where the player takes scores of avatars to undress and grope women of all ages, profiles and ethnicities. It took a few months before Rao's parents discovered the boy's horrible pastime and got him counselled by an expert.

A year later, the internet is today littered with games that allow players not just to undress and grope women characters, but to tie them up, torture and rape them. While violent sex games are getting more real with 3D animation and special effects, the authorities seem to be either ignorant or helpless. "We have not come across any such game CDs during our raids," says C Sridhar, superintendent of police, central crime branch. What he does not say is that the police, while seizing CDs of pirated movies and porn films, seldom look for game CDs.

Cyber Society of India, which works in the area of internet security, is also yet to study the matter in detail. "We are an NGO with no criminal jurisdiction. We mostly deal with online credit card frauds and cyber crime, but now we think we need to look at online safety from the angle of such offensive games too. In fact, this was in the agenda of a meeting of the society on October 23," says society secretary V Rajendran, who adds that the new IT Act which came into effect on October 27 has empowered the Computer Emergency Reaction Team- India (Cert-In) under the IT ministry to monitor and block offensive content.

However, Cert-In says it does not have the resources to monitor and block the scores of websites that offer rape and other violent games. "Only if there is a specific complaint about, say child pornography, can we step in," says a senior official. "We are aware of websites with violent sex as content accessible from India, but it is technically unfeasible to block all these sites. When the servers of these websites are situated outside the country, we cannot do much. Pursuing cases against offenders is also a long-winding process."

That puts the onus on parents. Says Bhavani K Raman, founder of Chennaimoms.com, an online community of mothers that discusses internet safety: "Parents must be aware that many phones and gaming consoles like PSP and playstations have built-in wireless access. So it is wise to install parental control software to restrict access." The control software allows you to block certain sites or make only some sites accessible for children and tells you the sites visited and the duration.

Another concern is about browsing centres making all kinds of websites accessible to children. Despite guidelines issued by the police, net cafes do not run an age check on visitors nor do they have firewalls. "The most important thing," Raman says, "is to create awareness in the child. Talk to your child about the danger and downside of using these games and sites. An informed child is a safe child."

Advisory for parents
* Use Parental control software that helps you select the sites your child can visit and set duration
* Use kid safe browsers like Kidzui and Kidrocket
* Search engines have settings which exclude adult material from search results.
* Upgrade your browser as the latest versions have better security settings
* Keep the computer in a place where everyone could see the monitor
* In the computer, create one account for each child without administrative privileges
* Check browser history after your kid used the computer
* Monitor their computer usage in browsing centres which are becoming hot spots for gaming and adult material
* Talk to your child about the danger of using adult sites.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Wife Vs Husband

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument andneither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ .."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Friday, October 30, 2009

The bear, the lion and the pig

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

The bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

The lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says, "Big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

AXE effect.

Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe

In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her

“Where the fuck is the Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.

Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.

HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.

“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” noted lawyer Ram Jhoothmalani said.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Master Plan

Funny Error Messages

Monday, October 19, 2009

Who said car names don't have a meaning?

BMW: Brings Me Women

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive....

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

KIA: Kills In Accidents

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always

GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away

Friday, October 16, 2009

Asian Heroin addicts

Two Asian heroin addicts have just injected themselves with curry powder by mistake.

They are now both in intensive care. One has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Can you tell me?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Monday, October 12, 2009

A Video for all Boys who are in love !!!

Great video and that's the truth for fake love...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Explanation for Cheating on Wife

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Lawyer!

A very successful lawyer is just getting out of his brand-new BMW when a truck comes along and tears off the driver's door.
A policeman turns up almost immediately, but before he has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically about how his new BMW was now completely ruined.
The policeman shakes his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life".
"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.
The policeman replies: "Don't you even realise that your left arm is missing?
It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screams the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!!!"

The elderly couple

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected.. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Lets Learn A - Z of Kannada Slangs

I can tell how a man makes love.

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man ... my girlfriend and I were going to be married ....

But, there was one thing bothering me .. her beautiful full figured younger sister . !
She was twenty-two ... always wore tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less ..

She would always bend down when she was near me ... to give me a great view of those luscious tits .. !!
.... it had to be deliberate ... because she never did it when anyone was around.

One day, she called and ask that I come over to check wedding invitations ..

She was alone when I arrived, and after a few minutes told me that her sister was a lucky gal to marry a big hunk like me .. !! .. then admitted that she had strong feelings and desire for me.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed to her sister .. !!

Well, I was in total shock .. and couldn't say a word ... !

She said "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last fling, just come up and join me"

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her climb the stairs ...
... and, making up my mind, I made a beeline towards the door and my car parked in the driveway ...

Lord and behold .. my future in-laws were all standing and applauding ..

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said "We are very happy that you have passd this test.
We couldn't ask for a better man to wed our daughter .. Welcome to the family"

.... And the moral of the story is:

.. Always keep your condoms in your car ...

Live for Others ...

Live for Others ...

My wife called, 'How long will you be with that newspaper? Will you come here and make your darling daughter eat her food?

I tossed the paper away and rushed to the scene. My only daughter Sindu looked frightened; tears were welling up in her eyes. In front of her was a bowl filled to its brim with curd rice. Sindu is a nice child, quite intelligent for her age.

I cleared my throat, and picked up the bowl. 'Sindu, darling, why don't you take a few mouthful of this curd rice? Just for Dad's sake, dear.

Sindu softened a bit, and wiped her tears with the back of her hands. "Ok, Dad. I will eat - not just a few mouthfuls, but the whole lot of this. But, you should...' Sindu hesitated. 'Dad, if I eat this entire curd Rice, will you give me whatever I ask for?'

'Promise'. I covered the pink soft hand extended by my daughter with mine, and clinched the deal. Now I became a bit anxious. 'Sindu dear, you shouldn't insist on getting a computer or any such expensive items. Dad does not have that kind of money right now. Ok?'

'No, Dad. I do not want anything expensive'. Slowly and painfully, she finished eating the whole quantity.

I was silently angry with my wife and my mother for forcing my child to eat something that she detested.

After the ordeal was through, Sindu came to me with her eyes wide with expectation. All our attention was on her.

'Dad, I want to have my head shaved off, this Sunday!' was her demand.

'Atrocious!' shouted my wife, 'A girl child having her head shaved off? Impossible!' 'Never in our family!' My mother rasped. 'She has been watching too much of television. Our culture is getting totally spoiled with these TV programs!'

'Sindu darling, why don't you ask for something else? We will be sad seeing you with a clean-shaven head.'

'Please, Sindu, why don't you try to understand our feelings?' I tried to plead with her.

'Dad, you saw how difficult it was for me to eat that Curd Rice'. Sindu was in tears. 'And you promised to grant me whatever I ask for. Now, you are going back on your words. Was it not you who told me the story of King Harishchandra, and its moral that we should honor our promises no matter what?'

It was time for me to call the shots. 'Our promise must be kept.'

'Are you out of your mind?' chorused my mother and wife.

'No. If we go back on our promises, she will never learn to honor her own. Sindu, your wish will be fulfilled.'

With her head clean-shaven, Sindu had a round-face, and her eyes looked big and beautiful.

On Monday morning, I dropped her at her school. It was a sight to watch my hairless Sindu walking towards her classroom. She turned around and waved. I waved back with a smile. Just then, a boy alighted from a car, and shouted, 'Sinduja, please wait for me!' What struck me was the hairless head of that boy. 'May be, that is the in-stuff', I thought.

'Sir, your daughter Sinduja is great indeed!' Without introducing herself, a lady got out of the car, and continued,' that boy who is walking along with your daughter is my son Harish. He is suffering from... leukemia.' She paused to muffle her sobs. Harish could not attend the school for the whole of the last month. He lost all his hair due to the side effects of the chemotherapy.. He refused to come back to school fearing the unintentional but cruel teasing of the schoolmates. 'Sinduja visited him last week, and promised him that she will take care of the teasing issue. But, I never imagined she would sacrifice her lovely hair for the sake of my son! Sir, you and your wife are blessed to have such a noble soul as your daughter.'

I stood transfixed and then, I wept. 'My little Angel, you are teaching me how self-less real love is!'

The happiest people on this planet are not those who live on their own terms but are those who change their terms for others & inspire others.

Driving in India.

BAAN has opened an office in Hyderabad and has been bringing in some of their staff from the Netherlands to work in India.

This is an extract from one of the articles written about the driving conditions in India by Coen Jeukens, who is a functional Architect for Baan Apps Distribution.

Driving in India.

"For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.
They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate
within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or
right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless
that is also occupied.Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction.

Don't get discouraged or under estimate yourself. Except for a belief in re-incarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.
Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries.
We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting
for the rain waters to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience
(for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan).
In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon
turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver,
and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught.

Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above
the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but
never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.)
Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.
This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see
what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing
bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)

The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs
on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension,
at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the
periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor
collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn
Newton's laws of motion en-route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Benhur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds

The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather
drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes

Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who
in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get
paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street

These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one
direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you
are the fussy type. Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by
providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred
for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting. If, after all this, you still want to drive
in India, have your lessons between 8pm and 11am -when the police have gone home.

The citizen then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution. Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident
rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!?? "

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental hoispital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug. Well....... Do you want a bed near the window?'

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then, When you see what the other person has,You wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No but the thought of long life will never come

Why do couples hold hands during their Wedding?

It's a formality just like Two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It ' s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It ' s like asking someone,

If suicide is better or being murdered.

It is difficult to understand GOD.

He makes such beautiful things as women and Then,

he turns them into Wives.


If you are married please ignore this msg,

For everyone else: Happy Independence Day!

Before marriage,

A man will lie awake all night Thinking about something you say.

After marriage,

he 'll fall asleep before you finish.


There' s a way of transferring funds

That is even faster than electronic banking.

It 's called marriage.

Girlfriends are like CHOCOLATES - Taste good anytime.

Lovers are like PIZZAS - Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Wife 's are like Dhal & RICE - Eaten when there' s no choice.

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don' t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women ' ?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Q: Why dogs don ' t marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog' s life!

There was this guy who told his woman

That he loved her so much that he Would go through hell for her.

They got married and now he is going thru hell.

Fact of life:

One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

Q: Why doesn 't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per the law You cannot be punished twice For the same offence!

Some Quotable Marriage Experiences

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~ Milton Berle

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~ James Holt McGavran

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
~ David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
~ Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin, they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~ Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~ Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~ Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~ Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~ Henry Youngman

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't."
~ Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~ Nash

Computer Problems

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David,
the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control,
and asked him to come over.

David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

The Leave Applications

It's a murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It.
The Leave Applications; )

Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10'o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith...."

Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below...."

Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Indians to the Moon

Manmohan Singh: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!

Bush: Wow! How many?

Manmohan: 25 OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 5 Handicapped, 5 Sports Persons, 5 Terrorist Affected, 5 Kashmiri Migrants, 9 Politicians & if possible 1 Astronnaut

GIRLS RANGOLI V/S BOYS RANGOLI

Rangoli By Girls...

They Say: "Hamari Rangoli Rango ki hoti hai.."


AND

Now,

Rangoli by Boys………………

They say: "Hamari Rangoli Bhi Rangeen Hoti hai..."

EXCLUSIVELY FOR ENGINEERING STUDENTS.

Ques: We know that 2/10=0.2

but

Prove that 2/10=2

Ans : Normal college students insist Question is "OUT of Syllabus".

but

Engineering Students replied:

2=two,
10=ten.

therefore Two/Ten = Two/Ten = wo/en.

w=23,
o=15,
e=5,
n=14.

therefore

w+o=23+15=38
&
e+n=5+14=19

Therefore wo/en=38/19=2.

Hence Proved

Two Opposites Suicides

Happy Married Life

Once Banta asked Santa, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Santa said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

Banta asked, "Can you explain?"

Santa said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, Banta asked, "Give me some examples" Santa said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

Banta asked, "Then what is your role?"

Santa said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

Office Phrases - the Real Meanings.

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!

1. For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3. Review and comment.
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.

6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

7. For your approval, please..
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

11. For your immediate action.
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.
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