Monday, December 29, 2008

Signal Man

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom explained, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Toll Free Number for Anti-terror Squad - 1090

In case you come across any suspicious activity, any suspicious movement or have any information to tell to the Anti-Terror Squad, please take a note of the new ALL INDIA TOLL-FREE Terror Help-line "1090". Your city's Police or Anti-Terror squad will take action as quickly as possible.

Remember that this single number 1090 is valid all over India.

This is a toll free number and can be dialed from mobile phones. Moreover, the identity of the caller will be kept a secret.

Please try to aware every citizen of India about this facility.

Please forward this mail to as many people as possible, and tell everyone individually also.

Santa Is Back!

Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.


----------------------------------
A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

----------------------------------
Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?

----------------------------------

Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You

know

why?

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

----------------------------------

Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you change your last job?

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.

----------------------------------

Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying

furiously...

Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.

----------------------------------



Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

----------------------------------

Sardar wanted to make a STD.. call to Punjab,

He wanted to save money so what did he do?

Simple, he went to Punjab and made a local call.

----------------------------------

Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital ki jagah pizza

hut kyun leja raha hai........

Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein "Delivery Free" hai.

----------------------------------

A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?

Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab **� ?o

Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.

----------------------------------

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this

village?

Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

----------------------------------

Teacher: A for?

Sardar: Apple

Teacher: Jor se bolo?

Sardar: Jay mata di.

----------------------------------

American says: " US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."

Sardarji says: " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"

----------------------------------

Sardar orders pizza.

Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?

Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge

----------------------------------

Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.

Santa: Who r u?

Girl: Seeta here.

Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya





----------------------------------

Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?

Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta

hai

jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.

----------------------------------

Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.

When a person asked what he was doing?

He replied, Oye! Higher studies yaar.

----------------------------------

2 sardars were fighting after exam.

Sir: Y r u fighting?

1st Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,

Sir: So what?

1st Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we

both copied.



----------------------------------

A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:

Hi! I am sardar,

this is my sardarni,

he is my kid,

& she is my kidney.

----------------------------------

Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.

Sardar 2: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent my wife with him..

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Nescafe Account

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

Nescafe official, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all Catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realize that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million."

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, that the Church will get $500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope, "We would have to lose the Britannia Account."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm afraid he died last week

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week."

He rings once more asks to Speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Church Organist

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?" I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Sunday, November 16, 2008

This is priceless!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female......

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Why the US is in crisis

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the World is looking for work.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Deaths that baffled the doctors

: DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...
: >
: > This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients
: > always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m,
: > regardless of their medical condition.
: >
: > This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to
: > do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the
: > deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted
: > and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the
: > incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all
: > doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
: > themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
: > wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off
: > evil........
: >
: >
: > Just when the! clock struck 11... and
: >
: >
: > then......
: >
: >
: >
: > then .....
: >
: >
: >
: > then ....... .
: >
: >
: >
: > then.........
: >
: >
: >
: > Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
: > Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner!!

CASE DISMISSED

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."


"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."


"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Cruise

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.



Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000. . Please advise."


The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Potrait

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Power of the Press

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS"

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following headline the next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10"

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: "NUN MAKES HER ASS WILD AND FREE"

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sardar Returns

1. Lecturer : Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi.
Sardar : Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam, I dont know who is Jayanthi.

2. Sardar : You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: How ?
Sardar : YOu said this is American made radio. But when I put it ON, it says All India Radio.

3. Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.

4. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

5. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

6. Doctor to patient : YOu will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die.
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

7. 2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.

8. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.

9. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

10. Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.

11. Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab .
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.


1 2 . American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.

1 3 . How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Arab Story

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring states.

Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewelry, and half a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him "This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.

To this the Arab replied "Can't help it, Bapu..... Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!"

Thursday, October 16, 2008

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

Sunday, October 12, 2008

THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer
someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000

a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
them
to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too

expensive -- and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina .."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Sunday Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

The beard

A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he
shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."

James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"

But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was
sleeping.

The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and
sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely,

"Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be
home any minute!"

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The two Dignitaries.

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying, 'Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.'

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Dinner Invitation

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

SOFT & BEAUTIFUL SKIN

Chinese Beauty Therapy




I want to be a kid again!

Sometimes I want to be a kid again;
to go back to the time when:



*
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

*
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

*
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

*
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".

*
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

*
Being old referred to anyone over 20.

*
You could determine if someone loved you by plucking flower petals.

*
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

*
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

*
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

*
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.

*
Nobody was prettier than Mom.

*
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

*
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

*
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

*
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

*
Unreserved lifetime commitments and promises were made with "cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die."

*
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

*
"Olie-olie-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

*
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

*
War was a card game.

*
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

*
A playing card in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

*
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

*
A lie didn't count if your fingers were crossed.

*
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

SOME FACTS

1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions!!!!!! !!!!

2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!

3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.

4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.

5. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.

6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.

7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.

8.. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.

9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.

10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.

11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.

13. Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.

14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

15. Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.

16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.

17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14. 4 calories per hour by breathing.

18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year.

19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk rightfoot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot...

20. Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal.

21. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

22. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch and make it look=20 like it's smiling.

23. The color blue can have a calming affect on people.

24. Depending upon the shade, the brain may send up to 11 tranquilizing chemicals to calm the body

25. Leonardo da Vinci could write with the one hand and draw with the other simultaneously. Now we know why his pictures were exquisite!!

26. Names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).

27. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and parrot.

28. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

29. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age

30. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.

31. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.

32. All U.S. Presidents have worn glasses; some of them just didn't like to be seen wearing them in public.

33. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

34. Raw cashews are poisonous and must be roasted before.

Smart Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's nursing it, the monkey runs wild. It jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in its mouth, and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did? He just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table."

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him. He's been driving me nuts."

The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later, he returns with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild again. The monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now? He stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it."

"Well, what do you expect?" the patron replied. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

15 Rules / Laws That India Lives by.

1. The Other Side Law:
If my side of the road has a traffic jam, then I can start driving on the wrong side of the road, and all incoming cars will be rerouted via Meerut.

2. The No Queue Rule:

If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into the front as long as I am looking the other way.

3. The Mind Over Matter Law:

If a red light is not working, four cars from different directions can easily pass through one another.

4. The Auto Axiom:

If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an information security leak.

5. The In Spit Of Thing:

The more I lean out of my car or bus, and the harder I spit, the stronger the roads become.

6. The Cinema Hall Fact:

If I get a call on my mobile phone, the film automatically goes into pause mode.

7. The Brotherhood Law:

If I want to win an argument, I need only to repeatedly suggest that the other person has illicit relations with his sister.

8. The Baraat/ Marriage Right:

When I'm on the road to marriage, all the roads in the city belong to me. To ME.

9. The Heart Of Things:

If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the pretty girl at the bus stop can see through my mal-deformed chest into the depths of my soul.

10. The Name Game:

It is very important for the driver behind me to memorize the nicknames of my children.

11. Parking Up The Wrong Tree:

When I double-park my car, the road automatically widens so that the traffic is not affected.

12. The Chill Bill Move:

When I park and block someone else's car I am giving him a chance to pause, relax, chill and take a few moments off from his rushed day.

13. The Ogling Stare:
If you don't ogle and drool at every hot Chic that passes by, you're gay.

14. The Bus Law:

If I stop my bus at the correct place near the bus stop, the city will explode and blow into 6 million pieces.

15. The VIP Rule:
There are only 3 important persons in this city -Me, I, Myself !

Friend in You

I have smiles to give away
hugs and kisses too
I save them up every day
so I can send them to you

I know I can always count on you
even when I am down
you laugh with me and make me smile
with you, I never frown

You are so very dear to me
whether near or miles apart
I hope you can clearly see
you're so close to my heart

I want to thank you for all your caring
you are a dear friend of mine
we have so many good times sharing
with you I will always shine!

This friendship we have made together
will last through thick and thin
no matter how stormy the weather
I know I always have a friend in...
YOU!

Thank you for being my dear friend.

Infy Benchers Wreck Havoc

BOTTOM UP APPROACH ....it's hilarious

Read from the bottom

This is a sample from the Infy Bangalore Bulletin Board.... its one hell of a discussion... Go for a Bottom-Up approach(read from the last message....)... the benchers strike again creating a havoc....

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 4:59 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?


Yes certainly they should have, as infy is a global company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps after tasing the coffee and tea here the client might want to outsource their coffee and tea facility to Infy





From:
Kartik Krishnamurthy
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 4:53 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

wil our dear cows /buffaloos........................................etc hav onsite oppurtunities as they wud surely want to know this in the interview...............





From:
Archana Amperayani
Posted At:
Fri 1/20/2006 4:44 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Ba-Ba Moo-Moo - ROTFL


What will the grazing grounds signboards say in that case? "Milking in progress, No mooing please?"
And will the cattle stock be taught to read these
K

Thanks and Regards,

Archana.





From:
Shatadip Som
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 4:40 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


Yes we need to have very strict selection criteria so that only quality cows/buffaloes/camels/goats/sheep/llama/elk/elephants etc. are recruited for milking.

1)
Should have consistently high 'milkademic' performance. Should have given more than or equal to 10 litres/day in the past.
2)
Should have high 'dungamatic' quotient. Should not have passed dung on the premises more than 3.4 times per 1000 days.
3)
Should be good team players and not kick the milkman while milking.
4)
Should meet deadlines and allow milking at late-hours and night-shifts too for the foreign clients.
5)
Should have no communication skills else can disturb the employees by ba-ba/moo-moo etc.


-----Original Message-----
From:
Ankit Singh Chauhan
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 4:19 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:


Can we have a separate DC for their Training n production?

"Production People" - no they would called "Production Animals"

N they hv separate recruitment policy.

Can any one suggest their minimum criteria?









From:
Ankur Sharma
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 4:14 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


Ya...and that will make devegowda happy too
J

Ankur..





From:
Chandan Chatterjee
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 4:12 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:



Can the milking of the cows, buffaloes and goats be outsourced since it's not a core competency that Infy enjoys ?





From:
Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 4:11 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


Yes thats true.


As cars or two wheelers are no more allowed inside the campus and the golf carts are only for the clients the ones who do not know cycling can use kangaroos for quick transportations from one place to another withing the campus.





From:
Santhosh S Damle
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 4:03 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Yes, 'Photo ID Card' is necessary!
Or we would need dogs if the animals look too similar for security guys to identify.

Baggage check is not in question right now, but may be some day, if we have plans to allow Kangaroos for some reason.
J

SSD





From:
Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 3:53 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?



Will the goats, buffaloes, cows and other animals have to follow the dress code????????? And will they have permanent ID card???????/ After all security was questioned by one of us!

I think having ID cards will help ensure better security. + the dress code will make them look more professional





From:
S Sriram
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 3:43 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Guys ............. It was started with cow. Then people added buffalos and goats to the list. Check if anything else is missed out ( if its milk is useful or it is useful in someother way) before sending the suggestion to the concerned dept / authority.





From:
Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 3:26 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Re:Can we have better coffee vending machines?


No need to buy the vending macines as CCD will provide them on loan I guess. Now coming to the goats/cows/buffaloes we have to purchase them, now the question is how many???? Should all building have one of each or should one building have only one animal?/? That is the point we have to decide on.

As far as the plantation goes I think the golf course is used no more, so we can have a tea and coffee plantation over there. After all its about tea or coffee so we need the main ingredient fresh!!!!! isnt it????????





From:
Nitin Chaganlal Jain
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 3:14 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Re:Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Now we have to decide whether should buy Vending machines or milk giving animals like Cow/buffalo/Goat?








From:
Amarpal Singh Sanghera
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 3:12 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


What if some buffalo turns out to be a LeT operative ?





From:
Archana Amperayani
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 3:09 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


No!
If you want I can sign a petition online beseeching the authorities to allow cows, buffaloes and good coffee vending machines in Infy....
That's the MAX I am willing to do
J

Thanks and Regards,

Archana.





From:
Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 2:55 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?


I think Archana is the one who might arrange for the goats!!!!!!! (No offences meant) :-)

Can anyone make the arrangements for the cow and buffaloes please?

Also the tea and coffee plantations!!!!!!!!1

;-)








From:
Sunil Kamat
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 2:50 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?


Who is Archana? Is it a goats name??









From:
Rajesh Rawat
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 2:39 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:


Can we have explanations?








From:
Joyjit Guha
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 2:37 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


I did not get this
L
Goats and then Archana are you listening?





From:
Anup Narayan Talegaonkar
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 2:23 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


Why don't we have goats too......?.

Archana are you listening?





From:
Amarpal Singh Sanghera
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 2:14 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


Can we also have buffaloes please ???
J





From:
S Sriram
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 2:11 PM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?


I agree with you that milk powder is no substitute for actual milk. Similarly old milk is no substitute for fresh milk.


So how about having a cow and a decoction maker in each building, so that we can get a nice flavoured coffee.



From:
Madhu Raghavendra Sagar
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 11:57 AM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:


Yes please...both tea and coffee taste really horrible...the milk powder is no substitute for actual milk.. what with all kinds of bugs coming out of the machine too!

It would be really nice to have something like what is suggested below.



From:
Nitin Chaganlal Jain
Posted At:
Friday, January 20, 2006 11:45 AM
Posted To:
KEC General
Conversation:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have better coffee vending machines?


Hi,


Can we have better coffee vending machines in Bglr DC like other DC's? I remember we had got this Horlicks/Bornvita Vending machines in Hyd-DC (one per building) which lot of people out there has appreciated. Can we hope of getting similar ones in Bglr DC.

Monday, September 22, 2008

What is 710...........?

This doesn't mean all women are stupid when it comes to cars....But there always are (a lot of) exceptions!!

Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked," What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is.........



OpenID

Decentralized online identification system OpenID can log you into thousands of social networking sites (and counting) using a single username and password. OpenID asserts who you are by proving you own a URL—not an email address, not a password, not your mother's maiden name, just a URL that must be confirmed by both the accepting site and OpenID host. No more filling out web site registration forms! Now that sounds wonderful to those of us sick of tracking the login details for all the web services we use. However, while OpenID is terrific in theory, it's real-world usage still has a way to go

Read for more :

http://lifehacker.com/software/technophilia/one-openid-to-rule-them-allor-not-302156.php

Celebration Means


Celebration means......
Four friends.
Bahar barsaat.
Four glasses of beer.

Celebration means......

Hundred bucks of petrol.
A rusty old bike.
And an open road.

Celebration means......
Maggi noodles.
A hostel room.
4.25 a.m .

Celebration means......
3 old friends.
3 separate cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 Internet messenger.

Celebration means......
Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Neighbors dropping in.
A party.

Celebration means......
You and mom.
A summer night.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.

You can spend
Hundreds on birthdays,
Thousands on festivals,
Lakhs on weddings,
but to celebrate
all you have to do is spend your time with your loved ones.
Keep in touch with your loved ones........

13 signs of falling in love

13. When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang

Up...but you miss them already when it was just two minutes
ago1

12. You read their texts over and over again...

11. You walk really slowly when you're with them...

10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...

9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...

8 . You smile when you hear their voice...

7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around
You...
All you see is him/her...

6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...

5. They become ALL you think about...

4. You get high just from their scent...

3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think
About them...

2. You would do anything for them...

1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole
Time.....

Company Policy

This is based on an actual experiment conducted in U.K.

*They put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.***

*Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.***

*Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.***

*One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.***

*All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.***

*A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new
monkey.***

*One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.***

***This is how any company's policies get Established***

A born Software engineer

The Teacher gave a punishment to the student and asked him to write

"I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes in the Class" 500 times on the black board.

and

the student wrote


Sunday, September 21, 2008

MAKES YOU THINK

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock stock one year ago, it would be worth £4.95 today.

With HBOS, you would have £16.50 left of the original £1000.

With XL Leisure, you would have less than a fiver.

And if you had purchased £1000 of Seguro Air Lines stock, you would have a measly 49p.

However, if you had purchased £1000 worth of Tennent's Lager one year ago, drank the lot of it, then re-cycled the cans at an aluminium plant for a cash refund, you would have £214.

And so, based on the above information, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Machine that catches thieves

PLEASE DON'T LAUGH !!!!!

In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out
to different countries for a test.

In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;

UK , in 30 minutes it
caught 500 thieves;

Spain , in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;

Ghana ,
in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;

Pakistan , in 5 minutes the machine
was stolen.

I thought I told you not to laugh????????

The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

Difference Between Man & Woman - Getting Ready.










WORKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH

LOOKING FOR CHICKEN

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken"
(Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, Chung, the son decided to go overseas to study. The father
was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years.
However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will
pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that
your mother will not suspect."

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung: (shooting bird - $500).

Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird
is more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he
wrote to his son. "Chung, Son, you have been shooting too expensive
bird, try some cheaper one."

A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $20
Rifle Repair - $2,000

Ironics in Life

"U love someone

U marry someone else
.

The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.


And the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id"

---------------

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.


There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.


---------------

Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.

To have as many women as his wife suspects...


---------------

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.

If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

---------------

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.

---------------

What's the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and

Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

---------------

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?

Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife

Be-Gum ho jaat hai.


---------------

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Think Big. But Not Too Big

NEW AIRLINE RULES

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That wi ll be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broke n, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?


Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory

Love VS Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love..
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
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