Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush saying, 'Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.'
Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Dinner Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I want to be a kid again!
Sometimes I want to be a kid again;
to go back to the time when:
*
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
*
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
*
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
*
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".
*
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
*
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
*
You could determine if someone loved you by plucking flower petals.
*
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
*
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
*
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
*
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
*
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
*
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
*
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
*
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
*
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
*
Unreserved lifetime commitments and promises were made with "cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die."
*
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
*
"Olie-olie-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
*
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
*
War was a card game.
*
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
*
A playing card in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
*
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
*
A lie didn't count if your fingers were crossed.
*
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
to go back to the time when:
*
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
*
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
*
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
*
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".
*
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
*
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
*
You could determine if someone loved you by plucking flower petals.
*
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
*
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
*
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
*
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
*
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
*
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
*
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
*
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
*
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
*
Unreserved lifetime commitments and promises were made with "cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die."
*
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
*
"Olie-olie-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
*
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
*
War was a card game.
*
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
*
A playing card in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
*
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
*
A lie didn't count if your fingers were crossed.
*
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
SOME FACTS
1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions!!!!!! !!!!
2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!
3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.
4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.
5. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.
6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.
7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.
8.. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.
9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.
10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.
11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
13. Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.
14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
15. Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.
16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.
17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14. 4 calories per hour by breathing.
18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year.
19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk rightfoot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot...
20. Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal.
21. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
22. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch and make it look=20 like it's smiling.
23. The color blue can have a calming affect on people.
24. Depending upon the shade, the brain may send up to 11 tranquilizing chemicals to calm the body
25. Leonardo da Vinci could write with the one hand and draw with the other simultaneously. Now we know why his pictures were exquisite!!
26. Names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
27. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and parrot.
28. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
29. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age
30. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
31. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
32. All U.S. Presidents have worn glasses; some of them just didn't like to be seen wearing them in public.
33. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
34. Raw cashews are poisonous and must be roasted before.
Smart Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's nursing it, the monkey runs wild. It jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in its mouth, and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did? He just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table."
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him. He's been driving me nuts."
The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later, he returns with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild again. The monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now? He stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it."
"Well, what do you expect?" the patron replied. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did? He just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table."
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him. He's been driving me nuts."
The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later, he returns with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild again. The monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now? He stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it."
"Well, what do you expect?" the patron replied. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"
15 Rules / Laws That India Lives by.
1. The Other Side Law:
If my side of the road has a traffic jam, then I can start driving on the wrong side of the road, and all incoming cars will be rerouted via Meerut.
2. The No Queue Rule:
If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into the front as long as I am looking the other way.
3. The Mind Over Matter Law:
If a red light is not working, four cars from different directions can easily pass through one another.
4. The Auto Axiom:
If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an information security leak.
5. The In Spit Of Thing:
The more I lean out of my car or bus, and the harder I spit, the stronger the roads become.
6. The Cinema Hall Fact:
If I get a call on my mobile phone, the film automatically goes into pause mode.
7. The Brotherhood Law:
If I want to win an argument, I need only to repeatedly suggest that the other person has illicit relations with his sister.
8. The Baraat/ Marriage Right:
When I'm on the road to marriage, all the roads in the city belong to me. To ME.
9. The Heart Of Things:
If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the pretty girl at the bus stop can see through my mal-deformed chest into the depths of my soul.
10. The Name Game:
It is very important for the driver behind me to memorize the nicknames of my children.
11. Parking Up The Wrong Tree:
When I double-park my car, the road automatically widens so that the traffic is not affected.
12. The Chill Bill Move:
When I park and block someone else's car I am giving him a chance to pause, relax, chill and take a few moments off from his rushed day.
13. The Ogling Stare:
If you don't ogle and drool at every hot Chic that passes by, you're gay.
14. The Bus Law:
If I stop my bus at the correct place near the bus stop, the city will explode and blow into 6 million pieces.
15. The VIP Rule:
There are only 3 important persons in this city -Me, I, Myself !
If my side of the road has a traffic jam, then I can start driving on the wrong side of the road, and all incoming cars will be rerouted via Meerut.
2. The No Queue Rule:
If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into the front as long as I am looking the other way.
3. The Mind Over Matter Law:
If a red light is not working, four cars from different directions can easily pass through one another.
4. The Auto Axiom:
If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an information security leak.
5. The In Spit Of Thing:
The more I lean out of my car or bus, and the harder I spit, the stronger the roads become.
6. The Cinema Hall Fact:
If I get a call on my mobile phone, the film automatically goes into pause mode.
7. The Brotherhood Law:
If I want to win an argument, I need only to repeatedly suggest that the other person has illicit relations with his sister.
8. The Baraat/ Marriage Right:
When I'm on the road to marriage, all the roads in the city belong to me. To ME.
9. The Heart Of Things:
If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the pretty girl at the bus stop can see through my mal-deformed chest into the depths of my soul.
10. The Name Game:
It is very important for the driver behind me to memorize the nicknames of my children.
11. Parking Up The Wrong Tree:
When I double-park my car, the road automatically widens so that the traffic is not affected.
12. The Chill Bill Move:
When I park and block someone else's car I am giving him a chance to pause, relax, chill and take a few moments off from his rushed day.
13. The Ogling Stare:
If you don't ogle and drool at every hot Chic that passes by, you're gay.
14. The Bus Law:
If I stop my bus at the correct place near the bus stop, the city will explode and blow into 6 million pieces.
15. The VIP Rule:
There are only 3 important persons in this city -Me, I, Myself !
Friend in You
I have smiles to give away
hugs and kisses too
I save them up every day
so I can send them to you
I know I can always count on you
even when I am down
you laugh with me and make me smile
with you, I never frown
You are so very dear to me
whether near or miles apart
I hope you can clearly see
you're so close to my heart
I want to thank you for all your caring
you are a dear friend of mine
we have so many good times sharing
with you I will always shine!
This friendship we have made together
will last through thick and thin
no matter how stormy the weather
I know I always have a friend in...
YOU!
Thank you for being my dear friend.
hugs and kisses too
I save them up every day
so I can send them to you
I know I can always count on you
even when I am down
you laugh with me and make me smile
with you, I never frown
You are so very dear to me
whether near or miles apart
I hope you can clearly see
you're so close to my heart
I want to thank you for all your caring
you are a dear friend of mine
we have so many good times sharing
with you I will always shine!
This friendship we have made together
will last through thick and thin
no matter how stormy the weather
I know I always have a friend in...
YOU!
Thank you for being my dear friend.
Infy Benchers Wreck Havoc
BOTTOM UP APPROACH ....it's hilarious
Read from the bottom
This is a sample from the Infy Bangalore Bulletin Board.... its one hell of a discussion... Go for a Bottom-Up approach(read from the last message....)... the benchers strike again creating a havoc....
******************************
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:59 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Yes certainly they should have, as infy is a global company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps after tasing the coffee and tea here the client might want to outsource their coffee and tea facility to Infy
From: Kartik Krishnamurthy
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:53 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
wil our dear cows /buffaloos....................
From: Archana Amperayani
Posted At: Fri 1/20/2006 4:44 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Ba-Ba Moo-Moo - ROTFL
What will the grazing grounds signboards say in that case? "Milking in progress, No mooing please?"
And will the cattle stock be taught to read these K
Thanks and Regards,
Archana.
From: Shatadip Som
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:40 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Yes we need to have very strict selection criteria so that only quality cows/buffaloes/camels/goats/
1)
2) Should have high 'dungamatic' quotient. Should not have passed dung on the premises more than 3.4 times per 1000 days.
3) Should be good team players and not kick the milkman while milking.
4) Should meet deadlines and allow milking at late-hours and night-shifts too for the foreign clients.
5) Should have no communication skills else can disturb the employees by ba-ba/moo-moo etc.
-----Original Message-----
From: Ankit Singh Chauhan
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:19 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have a separate DC for their Training n production?
"Production People" - no they would called "Production Animals"
N they hv separate recruitment policy.
Can any one suggest their minimum criteria?
From: Ankur Sharma
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:14 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Ya...and that will make devegowda happy too J
Ankur..
From: Chandan Chatterjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:12 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can the milking of the cows, buffaloes and goats be outsourced since it's not a core competency that Infy enjoys ?
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:11 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Yes thats true.
As cars or two wheelers are no more allowed inside the campus and the golf carts are only for the clients the ones who do not know cycling can use kangaroos for quick transportations from one place to another withing the campus.
From: Santhosh S Damle
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:03 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Yes, 'Photo ID Card' is necessary!
Or we would need dogs if the animals look too similar for security guys to identify.
Baggage check is not in question right now, but may be some day, if we have plans to allow Kangaroos for some reason. J
SSD
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:53 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Will the goats, buffaloes, cows and other animals have to follow the dress code????????? And will they have permanent ID card???????/ After all security was questioned by one of us!
I think having ID cards will help ensure better security. + the dress code will make them look more professional
From: S Sriram
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:43 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Guys ............. It was started with cow. Then people added buffalos and goats to the list. Check if anything else is missed out ( if its milk is useful or it is useful in someother way) before sending the suggestion to the concerned dept / authority.
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:26 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Re:Can we have better coffee vending machines?
No need to buy the vending macines as CCD will provide them on loan I guess. Now coming to the goats/cows/buffaloes we have to purchase them, now the question is how many???? Should all building have one of each or should one building have only one animal?/? That is the point we have to decide on.
As far as the plantation goes I think the golf course is used no more, so we can have a tea and coffee plantation over there. After all its about tea or coffee so we need the main ingredient fresh!!!!! isnt it????????
From: Nitin Chaganlal Jain
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:14 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Re:Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Now we have to decide whether should buy Vending machines or milk giving animals like Cow/buffalo/Goat?
From: Amarpal Singh Sanghera
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:12 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
What if some buffalo turns out to be a LeT operative ?
From: Archana Amperayani
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:09 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
No!
If you want I can sign a petition online beseeching the authorities to allow cows, buffaloes and good coffee vending machines in Infy....
That's the MAX I am willing to do J
Thanks and Regards,
Archana.
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:55 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
I think Archana is the one who might arrange for the goats!!!!!!! (No offences meant) :-)
Can anyone make the arrangements for the cow and buffaloes please?
Also the tea and coffee plantations!!!!!!!!1
;-)
From: Sunil Kamat
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:50 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Who is Archana? Is it a goats name??
From: Rajesh Rawat
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:39 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have explanations?
From: Joyjit Guha
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:37 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
I did not get this L
Goats and then Archana are you listening?
From: Anup Narayan Talegaonkar
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:23 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Why don't we have goats too......?.
Archana are you listening?
From: Amarpal Singh Sanghera
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:14 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Can we also have buffaloes please ??? J
From: S Sriram
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:11 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
I agree with you that milk powder is no substitute for actual milk. Similarly old milk is no substitute for fresh milk.
So how about having a cow and a decoction maker in each building, so that we can get a nice flavoured coffee.
From: Madhu Raghavendra Sagar
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 11:57 AM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Yes please...both tea and coffee taste really horrible...the milk powder is no substitute for actual milk.. what with all kinds of bugs coming out of the machine too!
It would be really nice to have something like what is suggested below.
From: Nitin Chaganlal Jain
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 11:45 AM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Hi,
Can we have better coffee vending machines in Bglr DC like other DC's? I remember we had got this Horlicks/Bornvita Vending machines in Hyd-DC (one per building) which lot of people out there has appreciated. Can we hope of getting similar ones in Bglr DC.
Monday, September 22, 2008
What is 710...........?
This doesn't mean all women are stupid when it comes to cars....But there always are (a lot of) exceptions!!
Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked," What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is.........
Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked," What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is.........
OpenID
Decentralized online identification system OpenID can log you into thousands of social networking sites (and counting) using a single username and password. OpenID asserts who you are by proving you own a URL—not an email address, not a password, not your mother's maiden name, just a URL that must be confirmed by both the accepting site and OpenID host. No more filling out web site registration forms! Now that sounds wonderful to those of us sick of tracking the login details for all the web services we use. However, while OpenID is terrific in theory, it's real-world usage still has a way to go
http://lifehacker.com/
Celebration Means
Celebration means......
Four friends.
Bahar barsaat.
Four glasses of beer.
Four friends.
Bahar barsaat.
Four glasses of beer.
Celebration means......
Hundred bucks of petrol.
A rusty old bike.
And an open road.
Celebration means......
Maggi noodles.
A hostel room.
4.25 a.m .
Celebration means......
3 old friends.
3 separate cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 Internet messenger.
Celebration means......
Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Neighbors dropping in.
A party.
Celebration means......
You and mom.
A summer night.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.
You can spend
Hundreds on birthdays,
Thousands on festivals,
Lakhs on weddings,
but to celebrate
all you have to do is spend your time with your loved ones.
Keep in touch with your loved ones........
13 signs of falling in love
13. When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang
Up...but you miss them already when it was just two minutes
ago1
12. You read their texts over and over again...
11. You walk really slowly when you're with them...
10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...
9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...
8 . You smile when you hear their voice...
7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around
You...
All you see is him/her...
6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...
5. They become ALL you think about...
4. You get high just from their scent...
3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think
About them...
2. You would do anything for them...
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole
Time.....
Up...but you miss them already when it was just two minutes
ago1
12. You read their texts over and over again...
11. You walk really slowly when you're with them...
10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...
9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...
8 . You smile when you hear their voice...
7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around
You...
All you see is him/her...
6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...
5. They become ALL you think about...
4. You get high just from their scent...
3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think
About them...
2. You would do anything for them...
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole
Time.....
Company Policy
This is based on an actual experiment conducted in U.K.
*They put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.***
*Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.***
*Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.***
*One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.***
*All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.***
*A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new
monkey.***
*One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.***
*They put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.***
*Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.***
*Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.***
*One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.***
*All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.***
*A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new
monkey.***
*One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.***
***This is how any company's policies get Established***
A born Software engineer
The Teacher gave a punishment to the student and asked him to write
"I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes in the Class" 500 times on the black board.
and
the student wrote
"I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes in the Class" 500 times on the black board.
and
the student wrote
Sunday, September 21, 2008
MAKES YOU THINK
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock stock one year ago, it would be worth £4.95 today.
With HBOS, you would have £16.50 left of the original £1000.
With XL Leisure, you would have less than a fiver.
And if you had purchased £1000 of Seguro Air Lines stock, you would have a measly 49p.
However, if you had purchased £1000 worth of Tennent's Lager one year ago, drank the lot of it, then re-cycled the cans at an aluminium plant for a cash refund, you would have £214.
And so, based on the above information, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
With HBOS, you would have £16.50 left of the original £1000.
With XL Leisure, you would have less than a fiver.
And if you had purchased £1000 of Seguro Air Lines stock, you would have a measly 49p.
However, if you had purchased £1000 worth of Tennent's Lager one year ago, drank the lot of it, then re-cycled the cans at an aluminium plant for a cash refund, you would have £214.
And so, based on the above information, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Machine that catches thieves
PLEASE DON'T LAUGH !!!!!
In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out
to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK , in 30 minutes it
caught 500 thieves;
Spain , in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Ghana ,
in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;
Pakistan , in 5 minutes the machine
was stolen.
I thought I told you not to laugh????????
In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out
to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK , in 30 minutes it
caught 500 thieves;
Spain , in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Ghana ,
in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;
Pakistan , in 5 minutes the machine
was stolen.
I thought I told you not to laugh????????
The Funeral Procession
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'
LOOKING FOR CHICKEN
There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken"
(Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung, the son decided to go overseas to study. The father
was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years.
However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will
pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that
your mother will not suspect."
So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung: (shooting bird - $500).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird
is more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he
wrote to his son. "Chung, Son, you have been shooting too expensive
bird, try some cheaper one."
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $20
Rifle Repair - $2,000
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken"
(Chinese slang for prostitute).
One day, Chung, the son decided to go overseas to study. The father
was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,
"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years.
However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will
pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that
your mother will not suspect."
So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
Chung: (shooting bird - $500).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird
is more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he
wrote to his son. "Chung, Son, you have been shooting too expensive
bird, try some cheaper one."
A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $20
Rifle Repair - $2,000
Ironics in Life
"U love someone
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id"
---------------
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.
---------------
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
---------------
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.
---------------
Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
---------------
What's the diff between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
---------------
Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife
Be-Gum ho jaat hai.
---------------
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id"
---------------
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.
---------------
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
---------------
Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.
---------------
Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
---------------
What's the diff between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
---------------
Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife
Be-Gum ho jaat hai.
---------------
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
NEW AIRLINE RULES
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That wi ll be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broke n, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That wi ll be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broke n, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory
Love VS Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love..
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Sunday, September 14, 2008
A Blind Man and His Dog
A Blind Man and His Dog
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”
“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him.”
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”
“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him.”
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Typical Female
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that
she was out of credit, she instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to Mommy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up Daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching Dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing
him in the driveway; she rushed out and gave him a tight slap. Then she slapped him again for good measure.
People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said, "The subscriber you have dialled is not available at present. Please try again later."
she was out of credit, she instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to Mommy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up Daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching Dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing
him in the driveway; she rushed out and gave him a tight slap. Then she slapped him again for good measure.
People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said, "The subscriber you have dialled is not available at present. Please try again later."
Lorraine, a saleswoman
Lorraine, a saleswoman for a major condom company was required to travel to London to meet a prospective buyer. Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her.
As she was running late for her train, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The taxi ride to the railway station was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to buy her ticket at the counter and run onto the train.
As she jumped into the carriage, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and guard.
They all stared amazed at the display and then looked at Lorraine, who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."
As she was running late for her train, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The taxi ride to the railway station was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to buy her ticket at the counter and run onto the train.
As she jumped into the carriage, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and guard.
They all stared amazed at the display and then looked at Lorraine, who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."
Monday, September 08, 2008
Monday, September 01, 2008
Paji in Pizza Hut
Tufani Barish …..
Aadhi raat….
Ek aadmi Pizza Hut pe pizza lene aya….
Waiter: Aap married hain?
Sardar: Oye, aisi tufani barish main kaunsi maa apne bete ko pizza lene
bhejegi? ???????????????????????
Aadhi raat….
Ek aadmi Pizza Hut pe pizza lene aya….
Waiter: Aap married hain?
Sardar: Oye, aisi tufani barish main kaunsi maa apne bete ko pizza lene
bhejegi? ???????????????????????
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