Man's Desire

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said,'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I
want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'How many lanes do you want on the bridge?'

A, B, C, D

Have you noticed ?
The letters A, B, C, D do not appear in the spellings of 1 to 99.
'A' appears 1st time in THOUSAND,
'B' appears 1st time in BILLION,
'C' appears 1st time in CRORE,
'D' appears 1st time in HUNDRED.
Opportunities never appear but need to be created.

One Fat Guy

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think..

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

"If I catch you, you're mine."

Shirdi temple to charge for 'VIP darshan'

The Shirdi Saibaba temple authorities have decided to bar devotees with VIP passes during weekdays and charge them for performing various prayers at the shrine over the weekends and during festivals.

"A meeting of the Shirdi Sansthan trustees was held here yesterday in which it was decided to implement the scheme on a trial basis for three months," a trustee said.

The decision would only affect those visiting on VIP passes, he said.

Around 50,000 devotees visit the temple daily. The number doubles during the weekend.

The meeting, attended by state Law and Judiciary Minister Radhakrishna Vikhe Patil and Sansthan chief Jayant Sasane, proposed Rs 500 for 'kakad arti' and Rs 250 for 'dhoop arti,' the trustee said.

Rs 4,000 to book your cremation

In Kerala, a tourist destination marketed as 'God's own country', soon one's journey to the hereafter could begin much before one passes away. People in Palakkad, concerned about whether or not their last rites would be carried out in proper religious fashion, now have the option of making an advance booking of their cremation rituals with the 'Aivar Madham Trust' and "die in peace".

All it costs is Rs 4,000 for registration. Those who wish to make a booking for their last rites must appear in person at the trust's office with their photographs, as also documents like the final will and testament to avoid any confusion among the survivors. The package includes an ambulance service, a mobile mortuary if needed, the service of a priest versed in rituals, and, the chief attraction, a holy and traditional cremation on the banks of the Bharathappuzha river in Palakkad district. The applicant is then given a registration card that ensures he gets the desired cremation.

The history of 'Madham' is said to date back to the Mahabharata. According to a legend, it was here that the Pandavas, on the advice of Lord Krishna, performed the last rites for relatives killed in Kurukshetra.

Ramesh Korappath, who heads the 'Aivar Madham Development Trust', says the idea resulted from a large number of inquiries he'd been receiving over the years. "Whenever the query came, we would discourage them. But then we decided to give it a try and formed a trust. The panchayat president is also part of the trust. A share of the fee goes to the panchayat."

In his late 30s, Ramesh admits there was one more reason to start the project. "Thousands of dead people are cremated here — about 50 every day. But the facilities are totally inadequate. We also hope to improve the amenities with the income."

Treatment

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?

"Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...

"Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

Work @ IT Sector

Chilly Question & Answers

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

*********

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?

*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

*********

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

*********

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

*********

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

*********

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

*********

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

*********

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
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Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect.
so why practice?
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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
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Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
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Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
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Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
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'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
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'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk
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'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours
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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So. why learn.
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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station..
what more can I say.

Love at 1st sight

Why men don't write advice columns

Pain of a married man

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

FUTURE PERFECT

Letter To Lord Krishna

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to krishna and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write krishna a letter.

**************
Letter 1

Dear krishna,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby

**************
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

So he tore up the letter and started over.

**************
Letter 2

Dear krishna,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,

Bobby

**************
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

**************
Letter 3

Dear krishna,

I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

**************
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to krishna either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

**************
Letter 4

krishna,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Bobby

**************
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike...

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to temple.

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him...

Bobby walked down the street to the temple on the corner.

Little Bobby went into the temple and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the radha.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the temple, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Bobby began to write his letter to krishna.

**************
Letter 5

krishna,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR GIRLFRIEND. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!

Even God has sense of humour

God was in the process of creating the universe.
And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.....

And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.

And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...
So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.

One of the angels asked...
"God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"

God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA",
My most precious creation.
It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:
"But god you said everything should be in balance."

God replied -- "Look at the neighbours I gave them."

9 Steps to Define your Goal Destination and Devise a Plan to Get There

Defining your goal destination is something that you need to take some time to think carefully about. The following steps should get you started on a journey to those goals.

1. Make a list of your goal destinations. Goal destinations are the things that are important to you. Another word for them would be ambitions, but ambitions sound like something which outside of your grasp, whereas goal destinations are certainly achievable if you are willing to put in the effort working towards them. So what do you really want to do with your life? What are the main things that you would like to accomplish with your life? What is it that you would really regret not doing if you suddenly found you had a limited amount of time left on the earth? Each of these things is a goal. Define each goal destination in one sentence.

If any of these goals is a stepping stone to another one of the goals, take it off this list as it isn’t a goal destination.

2. For each goal, you need to think about the time frame you’d ideally like to have accomplished this goal. This is where the 5 year, 10 year, next year plan comes into it. Some goals will have a “shelf life” because of age, health, finance, etc, whereas others will be up to you as to when you would like to achieve them by.

Now comes the more intense part of the goal destination setting - devising the planning of your journey towards arriving at each of your goal destinations. Follow the step by step plan for each of your goals individually.

1. Write each goal destination at the top of a new piece of paper.
2. For each goal write down what is it that you need and don’t have now that will allow you achieve that goal.

This could be some kind of education, career change, finance, a new skill, etc. Any “stepping stone” goals you removed from part 1 of the goal destination identification process will fit into this exercise. If any of these smaller “goals” have sub-goals, go through the same process with these so that you have precise action points to work with.

3. Under each item listed in 2 above, write down the things that you will need to do in order to complete each of the steps required to complete the goal.

These items will become a check-list. They are a tangible way of checking how you are progressing towards reaching your goal destinations. A record of your success!

4. Using the time frames you created in part 2 of the goal destination identification process, on each goal destination sheet write down the year in which you will complete the goal by. For any goal which has no fixed completion date, think about when you would like to have accomplished it by and use that as your destination date.

5. Working within the time frames for each goal destination, make a note of realistic dates by which you will complete each of the small steps.

6. Now take an overview of all your goal destinations and make a schedule of what you need to do this week, this month, this year - in order to progress along the road towards your goal destinations.

7. Write these action points on a schedule so that you have definite dates on which to do things. At the end of the year, review what you have done this year, mark things off the check-lists for each goal destination and write up the schedule with the action points you need for the next year.

Although it may take you several years to, for example, get the promotion you desire because you first need to get the MBA which means getting a job with more money to allow you to finance a part-time degree course, you will ultimately be successful in achieving your goal destination because you have planned out not only what you want, but how to get it, and have been pro-active towards achieving it. Congratulations!

HAPPINESS FORMULA

How to Overcome My Clinical Depression?

Well Grace, if you want to breakthrough your depression and feel totally happy, confident and fulfilled, there are Three major mindset shifts that you must make right now.

When one feels depressed:

The first thing you MUST know is that there is NOTHING wrong with you! You are a perfectly normal and healthy person who has just developed a temporary habitual pattern of getting into a depressed state. All of us get depressed from time to time…even I do. I bet anyone who is reading this feels depressed at times too.

Once you LABEL yourself as having problem/ disease/condition called ‘clinical depression’, then you have doomed yourself to be this way for a very long time. As human beings, we always behave in a way that is consistent with our self image and identity. If you believe that you are clinical depressed, that mere thought will stimulate chemicals in your brain that will continue to make you feel depressed! The human mind cannot tell the difference between what is real and what you believe to be real! It is called a self-fulfilling prophecy. At the same time, you will always behave consistently with your self image and expectations. If you believe you are a depressed person, you are going to take on negative thoughts, see things in a pessimistic way and use your physical body in a certain way (slouch your shoulders, look down, breathe shallow, walk slowly), thereby reinforcing this negative pattern forever.

So, keep telling yourself that you are a happy and healthy person that MUST change your temporary negative emotion! In other words, your emotion does not define or change what or who you are!

2) Only YOU Can Change Your Emotions

The second thing is to understand that nothing can and will come along to change your emotions. If you are expecting that getting a monetary windfall, promotion, a praise, loving words will change how you feel… It won’t change how you feel permanently. The reason is because the secret to changing how you feel LIES IN the THOUGHTS you choose to have. It is your INNER WORLD you must change.

It is not the events that happen to us that determine how we feel. It is how we choose to look at those events and interpret those events that determine our emotional state. This is why a person like Britney Spears who was given all the fame, fortune, beauty, opportunity and love could still feel DEPRESSED AND LOUSY and in the end turn to alcohol and drugs that destroyed her marriage, her career and her life. If you are not happy with who you are today, then a billion dollars and a million fans will NOT make you happy. Courtney Live, Lindsey Lohan, Michael Jackson, Mike Tyson, John Belushi and Whitney Houston are again examples of people who have had everything most people would dream of but destroyed it all because they did not control their inner thoughts!

At the same time, look at people like Nelson Mandela, Nick Vujicic (the guy born with no arms and legs), my fellow trainer Dr. William Tan (paralyzed at age 2) or Oprah Winfrey who were given the most painful and unfair environment and circumstances any person could think of! Oprah was born to a 13-year old mother with no father. She was physically and sexually abused for over several years and got pregnant at the age of 12 herself. She gave birth to a still born and was sent to juvenile detention for criminal and drug activity brought on by her caregivers. And yet, this woman remains extremely confident and happy, loving herself every step of the way. It is her inner passion and love that has not only allowed her to become one of the wealthiest women on the planet, but allowed her to inspire the lives of millions.

So, you have to understand that NO MATTER what happens of the outside, it cannot affect how you feel unless you choose to allow it to. It is ultimately how you think, interpret and respond to the events in your life that determine how you feel.

3) You Can Change Your Emotions in An Instant!

The third principle is to understand that depression (or any state for that matter) is NOT a disease like FLU that must take days, weeks or months to run its course before you can better. Depression is a state that you CAN change IMMEDIATELY the moment you CHOOSE to MAKE IT A MUST. The moment you decide that you are SICK and TIRED of feeling LOUSY and you will NO LONGER stand for it, is the moment YOU CHANGE. My guess is that there must be some secondary benefit in your subconscious mind that makes you hold on to this lousy feeling. Is it because it gets you attention? Is it because it feels more comfortable and safe to feel depressed than to go out in the world and take action and dream big? Is it an excuse you use to avoid doing stuff? You have to make it a MUST to let go! No secondary benefit is worth it…isn’t it?

Once you understand the 3 principles, let me tell you a few things you can do immediately to change how you feel (this is exactly what I did to change my Own state).

1) Write down all reasons why you must change NOW! Write down all the painful consequences of continuing to hold on to this depression. How is it costing you in terms of your health, career, family…. At the same time, write down all the benefits and pleasure you will experience if you can feel totally happy and confident! Then, VISUALIZE yourself experiencing the freedom, joy and abundance in your career, family, relationships and health now

2) Change your focus. What we choose to focus on consistently determines our reality and our emotions. I want you to focus on what you are grateful for and what you appreciate in your life. I want you to write down at least 10-20 things which you appreciate about your life. Focus on what you HAVE and what you want to achieve!

3) How you use your physical body and your physical health is a major factor affecting your emotions. I want you to begin to CARRY yourself AS IF you were totally happy and on top of the world. When you give a wide SMILE and GRIN, walk with a DANCE in your step, SPEAK faster and in an excited voice, Breathe DEEPER, look UP and lift your eyebrows, you will be amazed how it changes how you feel. At the same time, work out your body! Go for a swim, run, play tennis, jump on a trampoline. When your body is active…it is IMPOSSIBLE for your mind to access depression

4) Only use powerful words on yourself. From now, on keeping telling yourself how happy, healthy and lucky you are. We think by talking to ourselves. If you keep telling yourself how great life is, your mind will focus on and create that reality for you…

Reason why U shouldn't take Vodafone Connection. Be aware!!!

Indians Vs. Americans

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat:

The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?
The Indian: Of course!
The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India.

The Indian says nothing.

The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?
The Indian repeats: Of course.
The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep all
the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and
transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.

The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?
American: We throw them away, of course!

Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States!

Pregnant unwed daughter

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However,

If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand

Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"

DON'T BOTHER WITH THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those ears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs of the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

MORAL OF THE STORY :
DON'T BOTHER WITH THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS..

GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER ( ? ) "

You can leave early

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

If You Are In Tension..... ....!!

The moment you are in TENSION

You will lose your ATTENTION

Then you are in total CONFUSION

and you'll feel IRRITATION

This may spoil your personal RELATIONS

Ultimately, you won't get COOPERATION

And get things into COMPLICATION

Then you may raise CAUTION

And you have to take MEDICATION
Why not try understanding the SITUATION

And try to think about the SOLUTION

Many problems will be solved by DISCUSSION

Which will work out better in your PROFESSION

Don't think this is a free SUGGESTION

It is only for your PREVENTION

If you understand my INTENTION

You'll never come again into TENSION!

What’s Matter Honey...?

A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.

When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.

"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"

"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"

"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"

"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"

"So what's wrong?"

"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."

"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.

"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."

PRAY FOR