Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then, When you see what the other person has,You wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No but the thought of long life will never come

Why do couples hold hands during their Wedding?

It's a formality just like Two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It ' s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It ' s like asking someone,

If suicide is better or being murdered.

It is difficult to understand GOD.

He makes such beautiful things as women and Then,

he turns them into Wives.

If you are married please ignore this msg,

For everyone else: Happy Independence Day!

Before marriage,

A man will lie awake all night Thinking about something you say.

After marriage,

he 'll fall asleep before you finish.

There' s a way of transferring funds

That is even faster than electronic banking.

It 's called marriage.

Girlfriends are like CHOCOLATES - Taste good anytime.

Lovers are like PIZZAS - Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Wife 's are like Dhal & RICE - Eaten when there' s no choice.

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don' t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women ' ?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Q: Why dogs don ' t marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog' s life!

There was this guy who told his woman

That he loved her so much that he Would go through hell for her.

They got married and now he is going thru hell.

Fact of life:

One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

Q: Why doesn 't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per the law You cannot be punished twice For the same offence!

Some Quotable Marriage Experiences

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~ Milton Berle

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~ James Holt McGavran

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
~ David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
~ Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin, they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~ Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~ Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~ Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~ Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~ Henry Youngman

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't."
~ Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~ Nash

Computer Problems

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David,
the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control,
and asked him to come over.

David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

The Leave Applications

It's a murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It.
The Leave Applications; )

Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10'o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith...."

Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below...."

Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Indians to the Moon

Manmohan Singh: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!

Bush: Wow! How many?

Manmohan: 25 OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 5 Handicapped, 5 Sports Persons, 5 Terrorist Affected, 5 Kashmiri Migrants, 9 Politicians & if possible 1 Astronnaut

GIRLS RANGOLI V/S BOYS RANGOLI

Rangoli By Girls...

They Say: "Hamari Rangoli Rango ki hoti hai.."

AND

Now,

Rangoli by Boys………………

They say: "Hamari Rangoli Bhi Rangeen Hoti hai..."

EXCLUSIVELY FOR ENGINEERING STUDENTS.

Ques: We know that 2/10=0.2

but

Prove that 2/10=2

Ans : Normal college students insist Question is "OUT of Syllabus".

but

Engineering Students replied:

2=two,
10=ten.

therefore Two/Ten = Two/Ten = wo/en.

w=23,
o=15,
e=5,
n=14.

therefore

w+o=23+15=38
&
e+n=5+14=19

Therefore wo/en=38/19=2.

Hence Proved

Two Opposites Suicides

Happy Married Life

Once Banta asked Santa, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Santa said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

Banta asked, "Can you explain?"

Santa said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, Banta asked, "Give me some examples" Santa said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

Banta asked, "Then what is your role?"

Santa said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

Office Phrases - the Real Meanings.

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!

1. For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3. Review and comment.
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.

6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

7. For your approval, please..
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

11. For your immediate action.
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

Letter to Ex-Girlfriend

The Indian way of doing Business

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

They go with a White House office to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, outraged says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

Longest Hanging Cluster/Bunch of Banana in Kerala, South India

Courtesy:
ritemail.blogspot.com

Japanesh Proverb Vs Indian Version

Japanese Proverb:-

If any one can do it,
I will do it.

If none can do it,
I must do it;

Indian Version:
If any one can do it,
Let him do it.

If none can do it,
Then Leave it.

Hilarious Message from victim of chain mails

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me from 2002 - 2008 and still continuing it in 2009, Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer, now my friends wont sit beside me anymore.

* I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don’t look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl! she’s been 7 since 1993)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle’s property of $ 100 million, So much for his trustworthy.

Liu Bolin...invisible man

This guy paints himself, no kidding, no trick photography he just paints himself...

Last pic is simply brilliant.....Couldn't spot him

HRD Notice of a company to employees

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.


1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.


a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.


3) LUNCH BREAK:

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.


Best Regards,
HRD

An Italian Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Who is.... Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy

At work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Smart Woman

Arvind અરવિંદ:

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."