Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Power of the Press
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS"
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following headline the next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10"
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: "NUN MAKES HER ASS WILD AND FREE"
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
The local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS"
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following headline the next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10"
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: "NUN MAKES HER ASS WILD AND FREE"
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Sardar Returns
1. Lecturer : Write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi.
Sardar : Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam, I dont know who is Jayanthi.
2. Sardar : You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: How ?
Sardar : YOu said this is American made radio. But when I put it ON, it says All India Radio.
3. Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
4. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
5. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
6. Doctor to patient : YOu will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die.
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
7. 2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.
8. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
9. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
10. Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
11. Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab .
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
1 2 . American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.
1 3 . How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it.
Sardar : Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam, I dont know who is Jayanthi.
2. Sardar : You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: How ?
Sardar : YOu said this is American made radio. But when I put it ON, it says All India Radio.
3. Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
4. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
5. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
6. Doctor to patient : YOu will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die.
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
7. 2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.
8. Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
9. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
10. Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
11. Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab .
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
1 2 . American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.
1 3 . How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Arab Story
An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring states.
Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewelry, and half a million US dollars.
Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him "This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.
To this the Arab replied "Can't help it, Bapu..... Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!"
Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewelry, and half a million US dollars.
Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets). The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him "This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.
To this the Arab replied "Can't help it, Bapu..... Now I have Gujju blood in my veins!!"
Thursday, October 16, 2008
DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
Sunday, October 12, 2008
THE BROTHEL
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer
someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000
a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
them
to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive -- and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina .."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer
someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000
a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave
them
to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive -- and there were no discounts.
The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina .."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Sunday Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
The beard
A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he
shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was
sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and
sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely,
"Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be
home any minute!"
shave his beard. "Oh James," she pleaded, "I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face."
James quickly replied, "My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it ... I just can't!"
But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was
sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake and
sitting bolt upright in the bed. She said tersely,
"Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are you doing here? My husband will be
home any minute!"
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