1) Qus. : What are you doing?
Ans. : Business.
Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?
Ans. : Selling the Goods.
Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!
3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans. : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!
4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans. : Profit.
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!
5) Qus. : How do you distribute profit ?
Ans : By way of dividend
Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX
6) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans. : Factory.
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!
7) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
8) Qus. : Do you have Staff?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
9) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
Ans : No
Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax
10) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans. : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!
11) Qus.: Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans. : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
12) Qus.: Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!
13) Qus.: Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!
14) Qus.: How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans. : Gift on birthday.
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!
15) Qus.: Do you have any Wealth?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!
16) Qus.: To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans. : Cinema or Resort.
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
17) Qus.: Have you purchased House?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !
18) Qus.: How you Travel?
Ans. : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!
19) Qus.: Any Additional Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!
20) Qus.: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A Blond in Church
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees his wife fainted and the congregation roared.
No one moved.
The preacher continued"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees his wife fainted and the congregation roared.
Grandma goes to court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Banta & Santa Singh
Banta Singh was talking to his travel agent Santa Singh.
Banta tells Santa, " I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently.
The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go.
Three years ago you said go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and my wife Gurpreet got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Gurpreet got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and Gurpreet once again got pregnant."
Santa asks Banta "So , what are you going to do this year that is different?"
Banta smiles and says, "This year I'm taking Gurpreet with me!"
Banta tells Santa, " I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently.
The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go.
Three years ago you said go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and my wife Gurpreet got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Gurpreet got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and Gurpreet once again got pregnant."
Santa asks Banta "So , what are you going to do this year that is different?"
Banta smiles and says, "This year I'm taking Gurpreet with me!"
Riddles of Alphabets
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Science Exam
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?(Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?(Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Ladies Special
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Cheers!!!!!!!!
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Cheers!!!!!!!!
American Life
This American guy started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
Was shaving with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia)
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day checking his Computer
(Made In Malaysia),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find
a good paying job in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP
FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA!
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
Was shaving with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia)
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day checking his Computer
(Made In Malaysia),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find
a good paying job in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP
FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA!
Homeopathy can cure swine flu, claims practitioner
At a time the country is grappling with H1N1 virus and Tamiflu tablet is belived to be the only solution, a well-known medical
practitioner today claimed that people can have a cost-effective treatment in homeopathy for swine flu.
"The people can take some of cost-effective and clinically proved homeopathic medicines for swine flu treatment as well as prevention," Batra's Positive Clinic's chairman and managing director, Dr Mukesh Batra, said.
Batra recommends `Oscilococcinium 30' and `Influenzium 200' for swine flu prevention as well as to improve the immune system among the general public towards the flu.
"The homeopathy medicine 'Gelsemium 30' has been proved effective clinically in the treatment of swine flu in France a decade back and has been reported in the British journal of Clinical Medicine," Batra said.
Similarly, treatment for swine-flu was done in Spain during 1917-18 war period with 'Bryonia 30' and proved effective, he said.
In the case of Spanish flu, homeopathy brought mortality rate from 30 per cent to one per cent, he claimed.
practitioner today claimed that people can have a cost-effective treatment in homeopathy for swine flu.
"The people can take some of cost-effective and clinically proved homeopathic medicines for swine flu treatment as well as prevention," Batra's Positive Clinic's chairman and managing director, Dr Mukesh Batra, said.
Batra recommends `Oscilococcinium 30' and `Influenzium 200' for swine flu prevention as well as to improve the immune system among the general public towards the flu.
"The homeopathy medicine 'Gelsemium 30' has been proved effective clinically in the treatment of swine flu in France a decade back and has been reported in the British journal of Clinical Medicine," Batra said.
Similarly, treatment for swine-flu was done in Spain during 1917-18 war period with 'Bryonia 30' and proved effective, he said.
In the case of Spanish flu, homeopathy brought mortality rate from 30 per cent to one per cent, he claimed.
SOME HEALTH TIPS TO PREVENT SWINE FLU!
SCIENTIFIC PREVENTION 0F “SWINE FLU” USING HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS
Message 1 : TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Use 1 to 3% Hydrogenperoxide Solution(available in in all chemist shops)
For gargling ( 2 times in a day)
2) Inhale 3% H2O2 (Hydrogenperoxide) 3-4 times a day.
3) Wash hands frequently with 1% Hydrogenperoxide.
Message 2: TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Inhale food grade Vinegar for 1 second (3-4 times a day)
2) Frequently wash hands with 1% Vinegar (Food grade)
3) Mop floor, doors, windows, tiles, toilet floor with 1% Vinegar.
Message 3: TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Inhale clove oil for 1 second
2) Chew 1 clove in a day (Specially in a public meetings)
Message 4: TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Eat Raw Garlic ( 0.1 gms to 0.5 gms) 2 – 3 times in a day.
2) Eat Raw Onion
3) Eat fresh raw Ginger (0.1 gms. To 0.5 gms.) 2 – 3 times in a day.
Message 4 : TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Drink hot milk with 2 gms of Turmeric ( 2 -3 times in a day)
Message 5 : TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Consume plenty of Vitamin ‘C’ fruits like Lemon / Amla.
2) Consume L-Lysine (Minimum 500 mg.) ( Ask your doctor for dosage).
3) Drink water about 2 – 3 liter / day.
Message 1 : TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Use 1 to 3% Hydrogenperoxide Solution(available in in all chemist shops)
For gargling ( 2 times in a day)
2) Inhale 3% H2O2 (Hydrogenperoxide) 3-4 times a day.
3) Wash hands frequently with 1% Hydrogenperoxide.
Message 2: TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Inhale food grade Vinegar for 1 second (3-4 times a day)
2) Frequently wash hands with 1% Vinegar (Food grade)
3) Mop floor, doors, windows, tiles, toilet floor with 1% Vinegar.
Message 3: TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Inhale clove oil for 1 second
2) Chew 1 clove in a day (Specially in a public meetings)
Message 4: TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Eat Raw Garlic ( 0.1 gms to 0.5 gms) 2 – 3 times in a day.
2) Eat Raw Onion
3) Eat fresh raw Ginger (0.1 gms. To 0.5 gms.) 2 – 3 times in a day.
Message 4 : TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Drink hot milk with 2 gms of Turmeric ( 2 -3 times in a day)
Message 5 : TO PREVENT “SWINE FLUE”.
1) Consume plenty of Vitamin ‘C’ fruits like Lemon / Amla.
2) Consume L-Lysine (Minimum 500 mg.) ( Ask your doctor for dosage).
3) Drink water about 2 – 3 liter / day.
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