Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?" I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
This is priceless!
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female......
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female......
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Why the US is in crisis
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the World is looking for work.
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the World is looking for work.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Deaths that baffled the doctors
: DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...
: >
: > This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients
: > always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m,
: > regardless of their medical condition.
: >
: > This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to
: > do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the
: > deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted
: > and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the
: > incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all
: > doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
: > themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
: > wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off
: > evil........
: >
: >
: > Just when the! clock struck 11... and
: >
: >
: > then......
: >
: >
: >
: > then .....
: >
: >
: >
: > then ....... .
: >
: >
: >
: > then.........
: >
: >
: >
: > Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
: > Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner!!
: >
: > This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients
: > always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m,
: > regardless of their medical condition.
: >
: > This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to
: > do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the
: > deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted
: > and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the
: > incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all
: > doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
: > themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
: > wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off
: > evil........
: >
: >
: > Just when the! clock struck 11... and
: >
: >
: > then......
: >
: >
: >
: > then .....
: >
: >
: >
: > then ....... .
: >
: >
: >
: > then.........
: >
: >
: >
: > Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
: > Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner!!
CASE DISMISSED
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Cruise
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000. . Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000. . Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Potrait
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."
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