DO YOU LIKE ME?

Seeking approval can be taxing and can hurt your self esteem severely too.

"I remember coming home and telling my mom how I had scored 98 percent on a math test. Her immediate reply was, "what happened to the other 2 percent?" It was so typical of her. She would never say, "that's great" or approve of my efforts, says Pavan Malhotra, an engineering graduate. "From making good grades to trying to be the best in sports, I was always trying to win her approval but I made myself unhappy in the process. Even to this day, I only feel satisfied when others approve."

We spend a lot of time seeking approval from our parents, partners, friends, children and colleagues. This approval-seeking behavior takes a whole lot of our time and effort, at the same time chipping away at our self worth.

"When I met my fiancé's best friends for the first time, I was a bundle of nerves" says Sreelata Srihari, recently engaged. " I was keen to make a good impression. I wondered if I would look cool holding my mobile or leaving it in my bag. I even mapped out a few sentences like what a lovely home, best dinner I've ever had, etc. When I came back home, I wondered if I should have worn something different. I asked myself questions like "Did they find me smart enough? Why didn't they laugh during dinner? I so wanted them to like me. " My fiancé was amused that I was seeking their approval. He assured me that he loved me and asked me to believe in myself. "

Most people want to be liked — but all too often this need to feel accepted and appreciated can draw us into saying "yes" when we really mean "no".

"Everyone in my class treated Rita shabbily, says Rina Dhaka a graduate. "Rita was keen on being agreeable all the time, swallowed her feelings and opinions for fear of being disapproved. She wanted to please us hoping to make us like her. None of us respected her because we saw her as a weak person."

"I've learned to interpret comments that come my way instead of fretting for someone's approval," says Mary Alexander, a front office executive. "If someone says, you are over reacting, he probably means, "I prefer not to get so excited". That way I can be myself, I don't have to act the way he wants me to and it does not matter to me what he thinks".
So, the next time you are caught in a struggle trying to please others or trying to satisfy yourself by living up to their expectations, tell yourself, "I am okay just the way I am. I don't care what they say or think about me."


How to like yourself better

Understand that you do not need someone's approval to feel good about yourself.

Identify your fears of early rejection or neglect so that you can work on eliminating these fears.

List your strengths and positive attributes.

Do not avoid conflicts.
Use "I" statements to emphasise how you feel about the issue.

Do not fear other peoples' reactions to your thoughts and feelings.

Be yourself and believe in yourself.