AF – Attractive Friend
BF - Boy Friend
CF - Close Friend
DF - Dear Friend
EF - Ever Friend
FF - Familiar Friend
GF - Girl Friend
HF - Helping Friend
IF - Innocent Friend
JF - Jovial Friend
KF - Kind Friend
LF - Lovely Friend
MF - Merry Friend
NF - Naught Friend
OF - Only Friend
PF - Personal Friend
QF - Quiet Friend
RF - Rare Friend
SF - Special Friend
TF - Thick Friend
UV - Understanding Friend
VF - Valuable Friend
WF - Wonderful Friend
XF - Xcellent Friend
YF - Youth Friend
ZF - Zeal Friend
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
Simple Explanation!
The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
Friday, June 28, 2013
Girl & Silver Plate!
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
Psychologist Vs. Lawyer
A guy asks a girl in a library; Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl answered with a loud voice; I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!.
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, 'I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?'
The guy responded with a loud voice: What??? $200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH! ...And now all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
Then, the guy whispered in her ears, 'I study Law and I know how to make others feel guilty'.
The girl answered with a loud voice; I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!.
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, 'I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?'
The guy responded with a loud voice: What??? $200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH! ...And now all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
Then, the guy whispered in her ears, 'I study Law and I know how to make others feel guilty'.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
THE CASE AGAINST LORD KRISHNA
A nun in Warsaw, Poland, filed a case against ISKCON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness).
The case came up in court. The nun remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining followers in Poland. She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers were glorifying a character called Krishna "who had loose morals," having married 16,000 women called Gopikas.
The ISKCON defendant to the Judge: "Please ask the nun to repeat the oath she took when she was ordained as a nun." The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not.
The ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun. Go ahead, said the judge. The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'. T
he ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship! Lord Krishna is alleged to have 'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert that they are married to Jesus Christ. Between the two, Krishna and Jesus, who has a loose character?"
The case was dismissed..
The case came up in court. The nun remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining followers in Poland. She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers were glorifying a character called Krishna "who had loose morals," having married 16,000 women called Gopikas.
The ISKCON defendant to the Judge: "Please ask the nun to repeat the oath she took when she was ordained as a nun." The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not.
The ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun. Go ahead, said the judge. The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'. T
he ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship! Lord Krishna is alleged to have 'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert that they are married to Jesus Christ. Between the two, Krishna and Jesus, who has a loose character?"
The case was dismissed..
Eleven Laws Newton Forgot To State explicitly.
Here are 10 laws that Isaac Newton failed to share with the world???
And specially read the 11th one
1. LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will
start to move faster than the one you are in now.
2. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy one.
3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch.
4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
5. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will!
9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
10. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.
NEWTON STRIKES BACK WITH LAW NO 11...
THE LAW OF MOTION..
LOOSE MOTION CANNOT BE DONE IN SLOW MOTION.......!!!
And specially read the 11th one
1. LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will
start to move faster than the one you are in now.
2. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy one.
3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch.
4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
5. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will!
9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
10. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.
NEWTON STRIKES BACK WITH LAW NO 11...
THE LAW OF MOTION..
LOOSE MOTION CANNOT BE DONE IN SLOW MOTION.......!!!
Friday, April 06, 2012
THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
LOL
Husband:
Mom called me and she is coming tomorrow. Her train will reach by morning 4'O clock !!!
Wife:
She come just 4 months back only, right? Why is hse coming now again? Tomorrow is Sunday and I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4'O clock. Where will she ...even get an auto at that time?
Husband:
Not my mom. It's your mom.
Wife:
Wow!!! Mom is coming!! It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na. I have the number of the auto driver. Please call him and tell him to come on time tomorrow morning. It's good, tomorrow is Sunday, even the kids will be at home as they don't have school. They can play with their grandmother
Mom called me and she is coming tomorrow. Her train will reach by morning 4'O clock !!!
Wife:
She come just 4 months back only, right? Why is hse coming now again? Tomorrow is Sunday and I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4'O clock. Where will she ...even get an auto at that time?
Husband:
Not my mom. It's your mom.
Wife:
Wow!!! Mom is coming!! It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na. I have the number of the auto driver. Please call him and tell him to come on time tomorrow morning. It's good, tomorrow is Sunday, even the kids will be at home as they don't have school. They can play with their grandmother
Monday, January 23, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Careful!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husb...and came into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Suddenly, her husb...and came into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Overdue
Mr. Suresh Konni comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. S.Konni receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.
" Am I speaking to Mrs. Konni? "
"Yes... speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ........ This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. S.Konni receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.
" Am I speaking to Mrs. Konni? "
"Yes... speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ........ This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The beauty and complexity of the English language
Professor Ernest Brennecke of Columbia is credited with inventing a sentence that can be made to have eight different meanings by placing ONE WORD in all possible positions in the sentence:
"I hit him in the eye yesterday."
The word is "ONLY".
The Message:
1.ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday. (No one else did.)
2.I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday. (Did not slap him.)
3.I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit others.)
4.I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit outside the eye.)
5.I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday. (Not other organs.)
6.I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday. (He doesn't have another eye..)
7.I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday. (Not today.)
8.I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY. (Did not wait for today.)....
This is the beauty of English language . ..
"I hit him in the eye yesterday."
The word is "ONLY".
The Message:
1.ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday. (No one else did.)
2.I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday. (Did not slap him.)
3.I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit others.)
4.I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit outside the eye.)
5.I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday. (Not other organs.)
6.I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday. (He doesn't have another eye..)
7.I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday. (Not today.)
8.I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY. (Did not wait for today.)....
This is the beauty of English language . ..
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Pearls of Wisdom - Indisputable Laws
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Funny Acronyms
Funny Acronyms
Whenever you take the first letters of a phrase or title, you are bound two occasionally come up with some funny acronyms. Also, some acronyms stand for an amusing title or phrase. Here is a sampling of funny acronyms about cars:
BUICK: Big Ugly Import Car Killer
CHEVY: Can Hear Every Valve Yell, Cannot Have Expensive Vehicle Yet
DODGE: Drains Or Drops Grease Everywhere, Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
FORD: Fix or Repair Daily, Found On Road Dead, Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
HOLDEN: Hope Our Luck Doesn't End Now
HONDA: Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
JEEP: Just Expect Every Problem
MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along, My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
More Silly Acronyms
The next set of funny acronyms are alphabetized and cover many topics:
ADD: Americans For Donald Duck
BADD: Bikers Against Dumb Drivers
BITE: Beer In The Evening
CAPER: Conspiracy Against Professors Evading Reality
DUH: Don't Understand, Huh?
The next group of acronyms is intriguing. They are all countries:
CHINA: Come Home I Need Affection
ENGLAND: Every New Guy Leaves After Ninety Days
FRANCE: Friendships Remain And Never Can End
HOLLAND: Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies
INDIA: Indians Never Delay In Anything
ITALY: I Trust And Love You
NEPAL: Never Ever Part As Lovers
Additional Acronym Fun
For a final twist, here are some acronyms for the word “ACRONYM”:
Alphabetical Code for Remembering Odd Names You Make up
A Coded Rendition Of Names Yielding Meaning
A Contrived Reduction Of Nouns, Yielding Mnemonics
Another Cryptic Rendition Of Nomenclature You Memorize
OK, some of those were not really funny, just interesting. If you want to try it yourself, just pick a word and make up a word for each letter.
Funny Abbreviations and Initialisms
Just for fun, here are some funny abbreviations and initialisms. Most of them do not make a word but are funny nonetheless. These are abbreviations that were found on hospital notes:
ABITHAD: Another Blithering Idiot - Thinks He's A Doctor
FFFF: Female, Fat, Forty and Flatulent
FF or FFY: Frequent Flyer - A patient who returns to a medical provider for everything
GOMER: Get Out of My Emergency Room
SALT: Same As Last Time
TEETH: Tried Everything Else; Try Homeopathy
TEON: Two Eyes One Nose
TMB: Too Many Birthdays
TTGA: Told To Go Away
Whenever you take the first letters of a phrase or title, you are bound two occasionally come up with some funny acronyms. Also, some acronyms stand for an amusing title or phrase. Here is a sampling of funny acronyms about cars:
BUICK: Big Ugly Import Car Killer
CHEVY: Can Hear Every Valve Yell, Cannot Have Expensive Vehicle Yet
DODGE: Drains Or Drops Grease Everywhere, Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
FORD: Fix or Repair Daily, Found On Road Dead, Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
HOLDEN: Hope Our Luck Doesn't End Now
HONDA: Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
JEEP: Just Expect Every Problem
MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along, My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
More Silly Acronyms
The next set of funny acronyms are alphabetized and cover many topics:
ADD: Americans For Donald Duck
BADD: Bikers Against Dumb Drivers
BITE: Beer In The Evening
CAPER: Conspiracy Against Professors Evading Reality
DUH: Don't Understand, Huh?
The next group of acronyms is intriguing. They are all countries:
CHINA: Come Home I Need Affection
ENGLAND: Every New Guy Leaves After Ninety Days
FRANCE: Friendships Remain And Never Can End
HOLLAND: Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies
INDIA: Indians Never Delay In Anything
ITALY: I Trust And Love You
NEPAL: Never Ever Part As Lovers
Additional Acronym Fun
For a final twist, here are some acronyms for the word “ACRONYM”:
Alphabetical Code for Remembering Odd Names You Make up
A Coded Rendition Of Names Yielding Meaning
A Contrived Reduction Of Nouns, Yielding Mnemonics
Another Cryptic Rendition Of Nomenclature You Memorize
OK, some of those were not really funny, just interesting. If you want to try it yourself, just pick a word and make up a word for each letter.
Funny Abbreviations and Initialisms
Just for fun, here are some funny abbreviations and initialisms. Most of them do not make a word but are funny nonetheless. These are abbreviations that were found on hospital notes:
ABITHAD: Another Blithering Idiot - Thinks He's A Doctor
FFFF: Female, Fat, Forty and Flatulent
FF or FFY: Frequent Flyer - A patient who returns to a medical provider for everything
GOMER: Get Out of My Emergency Room
SALT: Same As Last Time
TEETH: Tried Everything Else; Try Homeopathy
TEON: Two Eyes One Nose
TMB: Too Many Birthdays
TTGA: Told To Go Away
Man, wife and dog.
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.
About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue
About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue
Financial Management
A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at ‘Taj’ yesterday.
How? The other beggar asked.
First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-
And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.
A wonderful example of financial management indeed
How? The other beggar asked.
First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-
And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.
A wonderful example of financial management indeed
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Know Where You Are and Where You Want To Go
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards ? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, “answered the tourist, laughing.”When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really?? And after that???" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.
And the moral of this story is: ....... Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards ? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, “answered the tourist, laughing.”When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really?? And after that???" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.
And the moral of this story is: ....... Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
Confession BOX
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry
wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on
the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to
have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry
wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on
the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to
have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
Paraprosdokian for everyone
PARAPROSDOKIANS
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10.. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11.. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12.. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13.. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14.. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15.. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16.. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17.. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18.. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19.. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20.. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21.. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22.. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23.. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24.. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25.. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27.. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28.. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30.. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Mistakes and Mistakes
If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a New Style
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is a New Path
If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a New Venture
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a New Generation
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a New Law
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a New Invetion
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a New Fashion
If a teacher makes a mistake,
It is a New Theory
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is a New idea
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a Mistake Only
It's a New Style
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is a New Path
If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a New Venture
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a New Generation
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a New Law
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a New Invetion
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a New Fashion
If a teacher makes a mistake,
It is a New Theory
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is a New idea
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a Mistake Only
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