How Strong is Your Relationship?

COUPLE CAPERS: Spending quality time together enhances fondness

There are ways a couple can build stronger bonds

For any strong healthy relationship with partners and lovers, there are some qualities which make the relationship strong. It forms as a bond of trust. Here are a few...

Avoid suspicion:
When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, ‘What's up? Why is he doing that? He’s never done that before? That is so unlike him? His behaviour is unpredictable’... You get the picture. Any movement away from predictable behaviour can become a suspect and trust can deteriorate.

Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. Inform your significant other when you become ‘unpredictable’.

No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions.

Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better. Tell your mate to be a little patient with you while you figure this out.

Tell him/her, “I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!”

What’s your message?
Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying.

Trust is crucial:
Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that! Believe the other person is competent. Sometimes, a partner feels telling the truth is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs).

Go for it:
Know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle any crisis.

Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. “Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I can engage her and be truly intimate!”

Be careful of keeping secrets:
If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something.

She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but with no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition. And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge.

However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

Say it, clearly:
Be self-centred (but not selfish!). Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, ‘What about my needs?’ You could respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.” Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship? Go ahead and make vows to each other. Strengthen your bonds of trust and the relationship will only flourish.