A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said,'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I
want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'How many lanes do you want on the bridge?'
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
A, B, C, D
Have you noticed ?
The letters A, B, C, D do not appear in the spellings of 1 to 99.
'A' appears 1st time in THOUSAND,
'B' appears 1st time in BILLION,
'C' appears 1st time in CRORE,
'D' appears 1st time in HUNDRED.
Opportunities never appear but need to be created.
The letters A, B, C, D do not appear in the spellings of 1 to 99.
'A' appears 1st time in THOUSAND,
'B' appears 1st time in BILLION,
'C' appears 1st time in CRORE,
'D' appears 1st time in HUNDRED.
Opportunities never appear but need to be created.
One Fat Guy
One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.
Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think..
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.
"If I catch you, you're mine."
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.
Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think..
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.
"If I catch you, you're mine."
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Shirdi temple to charge for 'VIP darshan'
The Shirdi Saibaba temple authorities have decided to bar devotees with VIP passes during weekdays and charge them for performing various prayers at the shrine over the weekends and during festivals.
"A meeting of the Shirdi Sansthan trustees was held here yesterday in which it was decided to implement the scheme on a trial basis for three months," a trustee said.
The decision would only affect those visiting on VIP passes, he said.
Around 50,000 devotees visit the temple daily. The number doubles during the weekend.
The meeting, attended by state Law and Judiciary Minister Radhakrishna Vikhe Patil and Sansthan chief Jayant Sasane, proposed Rs 500 for 'kakad arti' and Rs 250 for 'dhoop arti,' the trustee said.
"A meeting of the Shirdi Sansthan trustees was held here yesterday in which it was decided to implement the scheme on a trial basis for three months," a trustee said.
The decision would only affect those visiting on VIP passes, he said.
Around 50,000 devotees visit the temple daily. The number doubles during the weekend.
The meeting, attended by state Law and Judiciary Minister Radhakrishna Vikhe Patil and Sansthan chief Jayant Sasane, proposed Rs 500 for 'kakad arti' and Rs 250 for 'dhoop arti,' the trustee said.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Rs 4,000 to book your cremation
In Kerala, a tourist destination marketed as 'God's own country', soon one's journey to the hereafter could begin much before one passes away. People in Palakkad, concerned about whether or not their last rites would be carried out in proper religious fashion, now have the option of making an advance booking of their cremation rituals with the 'Aivar Madham Trust' and "die in peace".
All it costs is Rs 4,000 for registration. Those who wish to make a booking for their last rites must appear in person at the trust's office with their photographs, as also documents like the final will and testament to avoid any confusion among the survivors. The package includes an ambulance service, a mobile mortuary if needed, the service of a priest versed in rituals, and, the chief attraction, a holy and traditional cremation on the banks of the Bharathappuzha river in Palakkad district. The applicant is then given a registration card that ensures he gets the desired cremation.
The history of 'Madham' is said to date back to the Mahabharata. According to a legend, it was here that the Pandavas, on the advice of Lord Krishna, performed the last rites for relatives killed in Kurukshetra.
Ramesh Korappath, who heads the 'Aivar Madham Development Trust', says the idea resulted from a large number of inquiries he'd been receiving over the years. "Whenever the query came, we would discourage them. But then we decided to give it a try and formed a trust. The panchayat president is also part of the trust. A share of the fee goes to the panchayat."
In his late 30s, Ramesh admits there was one more reason to start the project. "Thousands of dead people are cremated here — about 50 every day. But the facilities are totally inadequate. We also hope to improve the amenities with the income."
All it costs is Rs 4,000 for registration. Those who wish to make a booking for their last rites must appear in person at the trust's office with their photographs, as also documents like the final will and testament to avoid any confusion among the survivors. The package includes an ambulance service, a mobile mortuary if needed, the service of a priest versed in rituals, and, the chief attraction, a holy and traditional cremation on the banks of the Bharathappuzha river in Palakkad district. The applicant is then given a registration card that ensures he gets the desired cremation.
The history of 'Madham' is said to date back to the Mahabharata. According to a legend, it was here that the Pandavas, on the advice of Lord Krishna, performed the last rites for relatives killed in Kurukshetra.
Ramesh Korappath, who heads the 'Aivar Madham Development Trust', says the idea resulted from a large number of inquiries he'd been receiving over the years. "Whenever the query came, we would discourage them. But then we decided to give it a try and formed a trust. The panchayat president is also part of the trust. A share of the fee goes to the panchayat."
In his late 30s, Ramesh admits there was one more reason to start the project. "Thousands of dead people are cremated here — about 50 every day. But the facilities are totally inadequate. We also hope to improve the amenities with the income."
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Treatment
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?
"Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...
"Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
Doctor: "What happened?
"Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...
"Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
Friday, January 15, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Chilly Question & Answers
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
*********
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
*********
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
*********
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
*********
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
*********
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
*********
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
*********
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
*********
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
*********
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
*********
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
*********
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
*********
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
*********
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
*********
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
*********
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
---------------------------------------
Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect.
so why practice?
---------------------------------------
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
---------------------------------------
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
---------------------------------------
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
---------------------------------------
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
---------------------------------------
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
---------------------------------------
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
---------------------------------------
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
---------------------------------------
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
---------------------------------------
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
---------------------------------------
'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep
---------------------------------------
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
---------------------------------------
'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk
---------------------------------------
'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours
---------------------------------------
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So. why learn.
---------------------------------------
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
what more can I say.
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
---------------------------------------
Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect.
so why practice?
---------------------------------------
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
---------------------------------------
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
---------------------------------------
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
---------------------------------------
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
---------------------------------------
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
---------------------------------------
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
---------------------------------------
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
---------------------------------------
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
---------------------------------------
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
---------------------------------------
'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep
---------------------------------------
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
---------------------------------------
'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk
---------------------------------------
'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours
---------------------------------------
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So. why learn.
---------------------------------------
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
what more can I say.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
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