Funny Acronyms

Funny Acronyms

Whenever you take the first letters of a phrase or title, you are bound two occasionally come up with some funny acronyms. Also, some acronyms stand for an amusing title or phrase. Here is a sampling of funny acronyms about cars:

BUICK: Big Ugly Import Car Killer
CHEVY: Can Hear Every Valve Yell, Cannot Have Expensive Vehicle Yet
DODGE: Drains Or Drops Grease Everywhere, Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
FORD: Fix or Repair Daily, Found On Road Dead, Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
HOLDEN: Hope Our Luck Doesn't End Now
HONDA: Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
JEEP: Just Expect Every Problem
MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along, My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

More Silly Acronyms

The next set of funny acronyms are alphabetized and cover many topics:

ADD: Americans For Donald Duck
BADD: Bikers Against Dumb Drivers
BITE: Beer In The Evening
CAPER: Conspiracy Against Professors Evading Reality
DUH: Don't Understand, Huh?

The next group of acronyms is intriguing. They are all countries:

CHINA: Come Home I Need Affection
ENGLAND: Every New Guy Leaves After Ninety Days
FRANCE: Friendships Remain And Never Can End
HOLLAND: Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies
INDIA: Indians Never Delay In Anything
ITALY: I Trust And Love You
NEPAL: Never Ever Part As Lovers

Additional Acronym Fun

For a final twist, here are some acronyms for the word “ACRONYM”:

Alphabetical Code for Remembering Odd Names You Make up
A Coded Rendition Of Names Yielding Meaning
A Contrived Reduction Of Nouns, Yielding Mnemonics
Another Cryptic Rendition Of Nomenclature You Memorize

OK, some of those were not really funny, just interesting. If you want to try it yourself, just pick a word and make up a word for each letter.

Funny Abbreviations and Initialisms

Just for fun, here are some funny abbreviations and initialisms. Most of them do not make a word but are funny nonetheless. These are abbreviations that were found on hospital notes:

ABITHAD: Another Blithering Idiot - Thinks He's A Doctor
FFFF: Female, Fat, Forty and Flatulent
FF or FFY: Frequent Flyer - A patient who returns to a medical provider for everything
GOMER: Get Out of My Emergency Room
SALT: Same As Last Time
TEETH: Tried Everything Else; Try Homeopathy
TEON: Two Eyes One Nose
TMB: Too Many Birthdays
TTGA: Told To Go Away

Guy's side of the Story

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally the guys' side of the story.

We always hear the rules From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it your self.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football, cars or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Man, wife and dog.

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.

About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue

Necklace of Happiness with five diamonds:

1. NEVER CRY FOR ANY RELATION IN LIFE BECAUSE FOR THE ONE WHOM YOU CRY DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE WHO DESERVES WILL NEVER LET YOU CRY.................

2. TREAT EVERYONE WITH POLITENESS EVEN THOSE WHO ARE RUDE TO YOU, NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NICE BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NICE.......................

3. NEVER SEARCH YOUR HAPPINESS IN OTHERS WHICH WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE, RATHER SEARCH IT IN YOURSELF YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE LEFT ALONE......................

4. ALWAYS HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE IN LIFE. THERE IS SOMETHING POSITIVE IN EVERY PERSON. EVEN A STOPPED WATCH IS RIGHT TWICE A DAY...................................

5. HAPPINESS ALWAYS LOOKS SMALL WHEN WE HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS. BUT WHEN WE LEARN TO SHARE IT, WE REALIZE HOW BIG AND PRECIOUS IT IS! ................

Love, Wealth & Success

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.

"No", she replied.. "He's out."

"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in"

"We do not go into a House together," they replied.

"Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, t he lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Lovefor all , there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"

Financial Management

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at ‘Taj’ yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.

I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-

And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.

The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.


A wonderful example of financial management indeed

A Heart-moving Example of General Human Thinking

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.

He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day,
someone donated a pair of eyes to her.
When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked
her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind.
The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her.
She hadn't expected that.
The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'


This is
How the human brain often works when our status changes.

Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Know Where You Are and Where You Want To Go

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards ? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, “answered the tourist, laughing.”When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really?? And after that???" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is: ....... Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!

Confession BOX

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry
wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on
the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to
have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

Paraprosdokian for everyone

PARAPROSDOKIANS

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Ok, so now enjoy!


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10.. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11.. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12.. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13.. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14.. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15.. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16.. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17.. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18.. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19.. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20.. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21.. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22.. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23.. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24.. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25.. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27.. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28.. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30.. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.